?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Scary

So, in case that were true, well, good thing it's over.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201207/war-the-roses-sadly-coming-relationship-near-you-0

http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

I really wasn't prepared for that.

First committed relationship?
Will re-read when I'm on break. :))

What's extra scary is, the parts that I've skimmed, are stuff I told myself I'd work on. @_@
"Don't feel entitled. Be patient. My dad raised me to function on my own, so I need to learn and love who I am so I don't depend on anyone else."

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't read those 2 articles na. Hahaha

Respect the Plan

When God sends lightning and thunder your way, it's your job to dodge and run.

Sometimes we let the frivolous things cloud our judgment, but when you stumble and fall, it's expected that you get up smarter.

Maybe not necessarily stronger right away, but experience, though brutal, really is the best teacher.

Parents may lead by example, and they will push you to be better, not repeating their mistakes, but it is nothing compared to using all your senses and making your own formula for each situation.

Maybe after experiencing several blows, you won't have to rely on experience.

The more variables you work with, the easier it is to plan and predict.

Lord, I think I'll skip on the experience for now and will not only move forward but jump a little further.

For days when I question You and feel like I can't go on, thank you for reminding me You've given me more than I need.

The lack of strength I may feel is all but a perception, because, really, You give me strength 24/7, I just foolish forget that I'm not alone.

*takes deep breath*

Keeping my eyes on the prize, saying no to the distractions that threw me off the past few years.

Sorry it took this long, though. >_

More speculations

I remember when I first felt that green monster inside of me.

It was a summer afternoon, and there I was so confused by how his actions weren't congruent with his words.

I didn't know that was the first of many days where I'd be so confused, yet I'd keep quiet.

I'd be upset, yet keep calm even if I feel the complete opposite.

And instead of being more mature, that green monster grew more and more angry.

With every sacrifice, that monster counted.

Strike 1, strike 2...

And just when he chose to "be better", apparently, that little monster was just hibernating.

That's the problem with being passive.

You snap and scare the hell out of everybody, including yourself.

One way of looking at it is, losing him meant me seeing what I'm capable of when I remain passive.

So everyday after he disappeared, I told myself I'd stand up for myself instead of letting my partner or the people I care about lead the way.

It was never a conscious choice, mind you.

I just really trusted in their judgement, so I yield without question.
Like a blind bat.

Really, I thought I was loyal and respectful, but eventually, I had no more of myself to give. And he wanted more from me.
I could tell he was ready to dash out.
So I tried to think of the unthinkable to secure him.
Secure us.

But that little green monster wasn't little anymore.

It realized how unfair the world was, so it tried to take back things long gone. Collecting debts where it wasn't supposed to collect.
So he got drained by that monster too.

Maybe that was the point of losing someone you value that much.
Maybe it was necessary for me to get hit and start over.

Because even if I wake up somewhat incomplete, I feel like I'm me again.

All those confrontations I had in clerkship and internship, I don't know why I was so scared of it before.

Worrying I'd displease other people, at the expense of my sleep, time, and effort? It really wasn't worth it anymore.

I... really don't want to be popular, or powerful, or rich, or famous.

I just... want to be in control of my life, and find someone I can catch grasshoppers with on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

After trying so hard, then not caring, then balancing it all, well... I must say, I kind of have a better and more realistic idea of how I want to live my life.

No frivolities, not so much on the drama, nothing too extravagant, but definitely filled with a genuine joy.

I saw a friend of that ex recently, and it brought back all the hurt I felt before not never got to let out. And I caught myself smiling, and thinking, "Never again."

I never like anything forced, and honestly, a good exchange and a few arguments here and there were made to spice life up.

Maybe he was right and I manipulated him into loving me.

Maybe he was right and I locked him into a miserable cycle.

And what was dangerous about it was that I was in love and unaware of how miserable he was.

So the universe was right and we never really were meant to be.

But at least we're both happy now.

I guess I was also hurt by the idea that the one I loved, whose opinion mattered most to me, decided right then and there that I was "unworkable".

But, well, there are days when he could be wrong too.

He isn't a god as I used to think.

He isn't infallible and he is most definitely far from perfect.

I've seen how human he could be, and my love for him made sure it buried the ugly parts and polished all his good parts.

Bias.

That's what love is.

There are days when I still remember how perfectly imperfect he is.

And there are days when I think that him not handling me, well, I guess I needed someone gutsier and stronger.

I remember I had to wait to see that better version of him.

But that's how we're very different.

I had no guarantee that the wait would be fruitful, especially with all those voices saying otherwise.

Yet a part of me knew I had only a few chances to bet in life. And something inside me said he was the right choice.

So I gambled.

And when you gamble, if you lose, you don't cry or blame anyone.

You pack up and go.

Then try your luck next time, when He hands you better cards.

I guess this is me accepting things, less.. pilit.

No more wishing for alternate universes and happy endings.

He can live his life however, and I really wouldn't mind not being a part of it anymore.

I gave it all I had, and until the end credit scene, I was fighting.
Need I say or do more?

*takes a bow*

If the friendship we had is something You'll be willing to give, I'll take it without malice or hidden agendas.

Life really needs to be less complicated.
(Not saying it is, because life would be so boring if it were. Just saying there's a oversupply of drama.)

That constant sound

The rain was always the perfect weather for thinking.

It may not be the best weather for action and being mentally alert, but seeing those drops slide down against your window is a projection of the mental clarity we all yearn for.

What kind of person do I want to become?

I'm 27 years old, and that would seem like a lifetime to a child.

But here I am, still feeling like a child who barely knows much about the world.

I have med school, my college life,and my very outspoken cluster mates to thank for opening my eyes to a lot of things.

Everyday I feel more naive and sheltered.

*yawns*

Maybe that's why I was initially hungry to see the world.

My Messiah complex? I really don't know how I'll completely get rid of it.

Because that feeling you get when you help someone the rest of the world ignored? It's different.

I guess because I keep thinking how I would feel if that were me in his place.

I'm rambling. Taking up sleep time.

Was going to write a few lines about the weather, but the words escape me. It sounded good in my head though.

For Shame

I can't get over it.

I could actually have acquired the bad traits of my mother.

This is really devastating.

Forget about expecting to have a family.

If I couldn't take care of the guy I cared about, what more a child?

I'm not saying I'll blindly accept that.

Just like how Harry chose to be Gryffindor in spite of the Slytherin traits, I too can turn away from the dark side.

Mines's just going to be less of a movie-like story, and will definitely be 10x the struggle.

I can no longer be stubborn.

I really should be more diplomatic like my dad, even when the pressure rises.

Sure, I don't "break" under pressure, I just explode and accidentally hurt the people who are close to me.

Okay, so maybe he was just one instance, but that loss is way more than any person deserves.

I don't want another loss. I know I'm very greedy when it comes to caring, but I guess learning to care that much and losing in the end was a necessary lesson.

I shouldn't be afraid to care, and... I should learn to trust and listen.

Honestly, I'm terrified that I really am this... closed-minded freak who can't build a romantic relationship. BUT, if we were happy at the beginning, maybe there is hope.

I just have to voice our my fears and worries instead of taking things into my own hands.

My constant fear of inconveniencing others? Clerkship and internship took care of that.

Getting to know your limits and weaknesses means you are aware of how much you can give, without setting false expectations.

This journey of getting to know my good and EVIL parts, well, it's an eye opener.

I was so sickeningly entitled before, thinking I knew it all.

My pride and ignorance has cost me the love of my life.

I guess this will always nag me, especially when my mind's extra quiet.

Yep,some mistakes will cost us.

If I could lose someone I so desperately wanted to keep, then maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Maybe I need help.

Constantly asking people if I've offended them in any way or came off a bit too strong after I try to be myself, well, so far, I've gotten better feed back and I feel more relaxed.

I just really, REALLY have to be more aware. I can't have that closed-minded episode again. Scary eyes. *shivers*

When I get upset I have to repeat to myself until it becomes natural, "LISTEN FIRST, YOU MOST PROBABLY ARE WRONG".

I tried to recall the last time I thought well about people even when the situation seemed off. And...

That was it. It was that summer. When I was in the US, we were exchanging emails, and he was still talking about another girl.

I thought to myself, "Why do I keep falling for this trap?".

The benefit of the doubt? I stopped doing that with sincerity then. You try to think that out of courtesy for the others, but, well, I guess it happened one too many times for me to continue believing in the goodness of others.

So now, even if it's difficult, I have to think that way again. If our roles were switched, wouldn't I want to be given a chance, especially after trying my best to be good?

I may be the party at fault, but I have to stop being a hypocrite and start walking the talk.

I was never high and mighty, nor will I ever be. Putting it off another second is unacceptable.

I have to accept that I was a crazy bitch then, and learn to be a better person who does not judge others after having made a mistake.

Seriously, recounting how silly our arguments were at the end, and that I just really wanted to win them sends shivers to my spine. I actually want to throw up.

That he stayed that long? Bless his soul. I REALLY, REALLY hope he gets someone a zillion times better. Scratch that. Anyone would be better than me. >.< The last time I got to see him genuinely smile was when we did a movie marathon at my house, with my siblings around. Or maybe that was us watching at his place? Valentines Day? Oh, he tried a little to hard then, so he was already desperate then. And I poked the bear all because I didn't tell him I was enjoying us simply walking with each other in campus. Why was I so easily ticked off then? Because I kept trying to bury that nagging question, "You'll be leaving me soon, won't you?"

Sometimes I wonder, what if I asked him then, before we were too distant? Would it have made a difference? Would I have snapped out of the "MUST BE NORMAL OR ELSE THE WORLD WILL BREAK US APART" scare? Would he have said no? Would he have said yes and called it quits right then and there?

Now, whenever I have a question that won't go away, I ask it. Because whatever comes next, well, at least I was able to say my part and hear them out.

People walking out of your life without giving you a choice? Nobody deserves that. It's like waking up one day minus one parent, without a goodbye.

No one deserves that.

So I've learned that it's best to ask the difficult questions at the most uncomfortable situations.

If I could take back all the times I snapped at him, I would. Because he was never the problem. I just couldn't take how I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong and that things would end soon. Well, I was right. Only, I was the problem. :))

Bothered Kai is a scary Kai.
No more scary Kai.
I promise.
I bet my life, and my fluffdog's life on it. (I love my dogs more than I love myself, mind you).

I had a talk with my siblings, and I asked them if I ever pulled a "mom" on them whenever I'd be a mad parent. So far, the worst I've done was give them the silent treatment, but I always ask them what their side is and how they intend to fix their mistake. Phew. At least I won't be a horrible parent.

But I need to be a good partner to get to stage 2. >.<

And I don't want to hurt my partner. No more crazy fixations. Still figuring out how to catch myself if it happens, though.

Hmmm...

Well, first step is to continue asking what people think and me presenting my side AND NOT LETTING MY BIAS DICTATE THAT I'M RIGHT. That's the point of a discussion!!! AN EXCHANGE. T_T

Whatever happened to the days when we'd have healthy exchanges and end with a genuine exchange of "I love you" ?

That's never coming back, but I really have to keep making sure why and how it all changed.

(Btw, if you hear whispers questioning your relationship, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. It's the two of you who decides where you will go. If you both decide to overcome their nonsensical comments, you do it together. Whispers and their judgment? It won't hurt you both unless you let it.)

Hay.... so many things to learn about a relationship. I don't want to learn by error in that field. Hearts aren't there to be broken.

*hugs the Flufficorn and Perry*

Both of you will be a witness, that I won't go all scary, stubborn, closed-minded mom EVER AGAIN. You have to tell my kids that. T_T

I no want another gun question ever again. T_T

I don't want to be a monster. And I won't let that happen. T_T

*goes back to pharma*

No monster Kai. T_T
Everyday you learn something new, and there's no telling when you finally have all the answers.

There are some things I have to remember, and a lot of things I may want to forget but shouldn't.

Even after all those e-mails and hateful texts, I was still dense, I can't seem to move forward.

But putting myself in his shoes, after months and months of trying, might actually get me somewhere.

Yesterday, that line about the gun felt like it was prying out old wounds.

I kept thinking, "Why?"

Why exactly did he act like that? What exactly was the "monster" he saw, that he would actually fear for his life?

I focused on all our arguments, and all those times he felt frustrated. After emitting all the happy us-time bits, from the moment he started clerkship, I was listened more to the whispers in my ear than to what his heart had to say.

I was swayed by all those threats, and I was starting to believe that we weren't your usual couple, and that we wouldn't last.

It was a bad formula...

Tired clerk + Me constantly comparing and demanding + him not knowing I was really scared

All this has been typed before.

But what I didn't factor in was how I stopped giving him the options to choose. I started deciding on my own, thinking I knew better because he was consumed by the hospital.

He really was the first thing I ever cared about. So monster Kai? Apparently she only appears when she actually cares enough to keep something. :))

I was entitled, I picked on an exhausted clerk, and I made him feel like I needed more things than what he could offer... all because I was trying to fulfill this imaginary standard I really couldn't care less about. I just wanted to "pass" in the eyes of society.

Apparently when you push me into a corner and try to steal my precious Velveteen Rabbit, I will do everything to keep it. Will it stay intact and safe? That part I left to foolish optimism.

Before I knew it, I was turning into my mother. While under threat, I became more stubborn and closed-minded.

No, he didn't break up with me because I sought adventure.

It wasn't because I was reckless.

Maybe it was my insecurity towards his family.

But at it's core, the scary version of me he saw? That was how my mom puts up her defenses when she's hurt.

I remember the days when I'd recognize that and tell my sister to stop attacking because she just wants to be reassured.

I... wasn't any better. And I was so entitled, assuming he had to know how to handle someone so difficult.

He was sad, lonely, and I gave him that look? Those scary eyes... No one deserves those scary eyes. Because that meant I was too upset to hear him out.

He lost his voice.

Because I forced him to behave a certain way.

Shame on me.

I was brought up better. I have two amazing parents. One's relatively immature but with a big heart, and the other was so reasonable, he always made sure we had a choice in the matter. (Case in point: Those days I'd drive to the South, I always had a choice to say no, but I chose to do my part as the eldest.)

No wonder I kept feeling he was unhappy.
It wasn't because he was bored of me.
It was because I kept deciding for both of us, just so we could seem like an acceptable couple.

When I recount the good days we had, they were the ones spent at home with a lot of talking. My excitement to start a life with him was a little too soon. I didn't have to cram it and burn us out.

I swear, no one else would have been that fun to be with at the zoo.

Anyway, I guess the point of this was, I have no right to miss him anymore.

I have no right to stay in love after making him feel so insignificant.

The man I loved more than my dream of being a doctor... I crushed him.

And I forced him to stay even when he was drowning... T_T

That he can still talk to me like a human being now is astounding.


He brought out a side of me that I didn't know existed. And at least now, I know I have to be more mindful.

We're supposed to be better versions of our parents for the sake of the next generations. I love my mom, but her obstinacy doesn't make room for growth.

I used to be proud of how stubborn I was, until I lost him because of it.

Learning to be comfortable with who I am, and being more mindful of the triggers to my counter-productive coping mechanism is a big leap.

And to the guy I date after, just so you know, when I start being stubborn and my scary eyes start showing, please hug me, and remind me to be more like my dad?

I know I'll seem impossible to deal with, but please try? Hug lang naman katapat ko when I'm afraid and upset. Hindi lang talaga halata kapag inis ako. As an Ate, I never allowed myself to look weak when I'm scared. >_<

I really am learning how not to be as difficult as my mother. Huhuhu

When I get upset, I as "Why" first, instead of automatically assuming my idea's better. T_T

I know we're not supposed to be competing when you're in a relationship, because our victories and losses are one and the same. T_T

Lost a lot just to learn those things... even if they should have been a given. T_T

That's why he was worried.

He could sense I was turning into my mother. T_T NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I remember channeling my dad whenever we'd argue in our first-second year of dating... and all the judgment regarding our relationship took its toll on me. @_@

I really believed our "weirdness" would break us apart.

When it was what drew me to him in the first place. >_<

Well, if this is God's way of warning me of the dark side that I have... Might as well see what I'm up against.

From this day on, I really will have that as a disclaimer - I'm stubborn and might not listen when I'm upset, so, please be patient. Before I make any rash decisions, just... look at me to remind me everything will be all right.

I guess I just didn't believe I could have someone that amazing too long. Hahaha.

Lord, I'm sorry if I still miss and love him even if he wasn't meant for me.
I just feel awful for letting myself treat him that way. T_T

Ang kapal ko talaga. T_T

When my family joins Karen, I said I'd stay here and serve my country, but being in a different continent, far from hurting him again... it's so tempting. T_T

Just seeing me probably made him sick to his stomach. T_T

T_T

Envy

I thought I was fun and spontaneous, but maybe we should add this very crucial line, "within reason".

I may not mind going on a last minute lunch or dinner out, but I guess what never occurred to me was the part where it's a fixed activity.

And when I want to call it quits, I can take an Uber or call to be fetched by my awesome dad (who I mostly get to chat with on the road).

I love plans. I can't say that enough.

So if you take me somewhere, and surprise me... without a set plan, might as well give me a GC instead. :))

I love making a plan A for good weather, a plan B in case unpredictable stuff happen, and a plan C for when all hell breaks lose (let's say there was a zombie apocalypse).

The best vacations ever are the ones spent with family. WITH A SET PLAN. You plan each day, research the places you want to visit, group them accordingly (to proximity, convenience, transportation, and weather-dependence to name a few), and make different scenarios in your head to avoid sneak attacks.

Hay.

I love my family talaga. In spite of how chaotic they can be when we have our separate lives, when it comes to outings, we follow an order, and respect the plan. (except for the usual getting late part).

I SUPER HATE DOING THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF THE WAY.

But, I guess this was the world telling me, yeah, you've tried to be "fun", but it really isn't your style.

For a year and a half, I've tried to test this "Novelty seeking monster" my ex took me for. I figured, maybe he was right, maybe this really was who I am.

So, I went with the flow, did some of the things I wanted me an my ex to do in the future, and... I felt ordinary.

I loved hiking up that mountain, but all the other things, well, they were more ordinary than I imagined.

I guess it really was dependent on the company you're with.

I tried to be the kind of happy I imagined - I smiled and grinned on cue, hoping it will trigger an inner bliss, but... it didn't.

I was still the old me.

Oh, I still love waking up to the morning sun, seeing my crazy yet lovable family, playing with my dogs, but... that indescribable joy? It really disappeared when he was gone.

I don't think about him as often anymore, but on the rare occasions that I do, 50% of the time... I'm happy.

If I'm not hating myself because of the pain, I feel lucky and complete.
Because just the idea of him smiling, even after a clumsy act... it's enough.

To see that, everyday... that was a privilege I wanted so bad.

But I guess as part of a unit, you don't suddenly decide to fight for your relationship to the death. The other half has to be aware you're actually fighting for something. Yep, the importance of good communication and being on the same page.

So, I applied that to a friend of mine, and this time, I showed no pretense. I was myself when I was stressed, and agit. I was definitely less smiley.

And it scared her.

Instead of adjusting, and getting mad, I explained how when I look "scary" it's actually me worried and thinking about a zillion other things out of fear.

Alexa, Karen, Arem, Mich... they've all seen me go "Mad Ate", and they're still there loving me without my usual smile.

They actually get that when my eyes become scary, upset-Kai is really just scared-Kai trying to find a solution on her own.

It's my pride getting in the way of admitting that I need help and hug.

Took me a while to figure out why my sungit version scares people off. It's plain and simple - they're not used to it.

So now that I've been showing more of it, being genuinely caring doesn't hurt as much.

Because you sift out the people who are willing to put up with my "brave/scary face" to get to the clingy puppy underneath.

Today, I was wondering why I was feeling a bit off. Thought it was the weather, then thought it was the old playlist in the coffee shop that played 4-5 songs form our past, and then... at around 6pm, I checked the date and remembered.

It's been 2 years.

2 years since the death of the man I wanted to marry.

I wish so bad whenever I remember that I get to drop everything as easily as he did.
I wish so hard that I can see him as a monster, like how he saw me.

I wish hearing him say those painful words over and over again was enough to make me forget. Or even to stop caring.

"You didn't bring your gun, did you?"

It still drills a zillion holes.

That just meant he didn't think I cared about him at all.

And for him to think that I could actually be violent with him?

If you could keep pouring a base to my heart, that would be better.

Ang sakit pa rin. Haha

Because no matter what I do, I still can't stop loving him.

And I hate it so much.

How long do I have to wait before I become completely numb???

Even if I keep trying to convince myself that I never would've been accepted, or that it was just really me forcing him to love me...

It's still not enough.

Sana totoo na ginayuma ko siya.
Sana totoo na pinilit ko lang siyang mahalin ako.
Sana gawa-gawa ko lang ang lahat kaya siya nagising.

I know it was never meant to be, but here I am making another entry 2 years later.

Because when I read stuff about family, I can't help but think of him.

Even if just the alternate reality where I skip the part where I get confused on who I am and how scared I am of being disliked by his family.

When fear loses, I get to wake up to those gorgeous eyes.

Hay... Ang sakit pero... nakakainis.

Just the idea of him makes me smile.

Hopefully, when my family leaves, and I start living on my own in this bleak country, just the idea of him will still be enough to get me through.

Kidding.

Maybe by then I'll have a dog to do more than that.

Wala, I've yet to find a partner I won't be unfair to.
Staying in love with your ex is too cruel a secret to keep.

Oh, how I wish I could switch if off as easily as he did, pero... I really did wait 20+ years to love him. Still don't know how to clean the slate enough for the next one. >.<

My new game plan is, be as taray as I can be, and let's see who's willing to conquer a witch.

Leave some parts to yourself

Just so people don't think I'm too into ponies...
Haha! Just need one more!!!




And because I forgot to make an entry last July 9, 2017

Believe

I know we fight for the things we believe in.

So even if it takes years, it seems impossible, pointless, and a waste of time for everyone else, what matters is what YOU believe.

Fighting to end? It's exhausting.

Not everyone else can do it.

It takes focus, determination, and a strong heart.

For battles that you know are worth more than the things you understand at present, you give your all.

No regrets.

Because honestly, a life without regrets means you lived your life well. (I don't mean no regrets because you're selfish and without a conscience)

You fight hard even if the only person believing in you is.. you.

So, go.

Go against that rock.

Fight the good fight.

In the end, it's always worth it.

Even the battles we've lost.

- Karla Kristine Fernandez Buerano, MD-MBA
Batch 2017

No.

Things I forget when my mood goes bad...

1) For the right person, you aren't impossible to love.
If they see you as a monster, then they never really meant to stay in the first place.
If you love, if you care, if you give it your all, leaving will never feel right.

2) When you think mistakes are learning points and not red flags for leaving, that relationship might actually last.

3) When you see the other is changing just to please you, you will check if this makes them happy. Because at the end of it all, their happiness matters more.

I forgot that even if I was happy to be with him, I sacrificed a lot to make him stay for those three years.

I swallowed my pride and gave a second chance even if I swore I'd never do that

I thought what I believed in was wrong, because exploring felt right (within limtis), yet I seemed careless all the same.

So, even if I miss him, it was right that we were never meant to end up together.

He never should have felt inadequate if he was meant to stay with me.

Sure, I was wrong in thinking I had to keep my family away to protect them from criticism, because really, my family is still awesome even after all we've been through.

So for me to be hurt every time I'd hear him say something negative about my family, it really had to stop.

I was also wrong for thinking his family would never accept me, because maybe, if were more myself, they wouldn't label me as someone sketchy. :))

But, yeah, that he learned to be less rigid with me must've been painful. I thought I was helping him grow, but I made him hate me for acting like he wasn't enough for me.

I wanted compromise every now and then, but he rarely appreciated the times I'd adjust for him.

He was the standard, and I had to yield.

No more.

Without him, I'm not the frivolous novelty-seeking monster he described.

I hate being under.

To care less? Sometimes it isn't so bad.

The me who missed him? That was the weak submissive version of me... and I guess it's natural for her to come out every now and then.

I loved, I lost... but I found myself.

So I have nothing to be sorry for, nor do I have any reason to be ashamed.

I guess that's why I could actually smile at his mom when I saw her the last time.

No regrets.

And I thank God everyday for making sure I fulfill his great plan for me.