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Lord, let this be it

After spending 2 days at the Center for Developmental Pediatrics, my heart couldn't feel any warmer or fatter.

This fascination and need to understand, or to merely be a part of that field is too strong, it's hard to quantify or qualify.

To see how a kid tries so hard to communicate, but is unaware of the barriers that are causing his/her frustration... it just brings this arm tingly feeling, like an urge to be a part of his therapy...

I saw a patient, who scored zero on the Brigance test, and I was lucky to observe the therapy of a child who was improving from a similar situation. :3

I want to do that for the rest of my life.

~
As I was observing in the center, their manner of speaking and explaining reminded me so much of how my ex used to talk to me. Maybe that's why I felt like I was being patronized like a child most of the time.

Randomly I remembered how he'd talk me out of a certain habit, then it got me thinking about how I felt like a helpless child in those last few moments.

There were days I'd be thinking, maybe he was only able to crush my heart that well because he only said he didn't love me because of all the hate and hurt he felt. Then I remember that for someone to go that far just to get you out of their life means they really stopped caring for you long ago.

Earlier today the radio said something like, "Sana ang feelings, parang hide and seek, kung sinong magaling magtago, siya ang panalo. It sounded cute, but then, all that hiding doesn't really make any of the feelings go away. A few days ago, my friend sent me this randomly, even if we haven't talked about my ex in at least 3 months. http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/05/there-will-always-be-that-one-person-who-you-wont-ever-stop-loving/

Looks like I'm somewhere along these lines: "And you know, after some time it’s not going to hurt as much. That space that once was a hole in your heart, will one day sprout the most beautiful flowers. It will still be a wound, but it won’t cry anymore. It won’t always sting this much. "

So far, no more tears, no more crazy ideas, no more hoping or wishing. So I fell in love with someone I wasn't meant to love. Love isn't always about smart choices, but, like with how a mother loves her child, whether or not he's "special", you just... love with all your heart because it feels right. Whether or not they appreciate that or simply can't communicate it back doesn't mean I should stop. Something that real and beautiful can't be that futile.

I swear, the way he'd handle me was how therapists would try to talk to the kids. I'm not entirely offended, more of... pleasantly surprised how structured and systematic his responses were. But, unlike the therapists who go on endlessly not knowing when the ideal result with appear, he stopped to save himself. And I don't blame him for that. You can't save everyone.

Still... So much love for Dev Peds and those therapists. The proof of how hope, patience, and hard work can bring about miracles. <3

Who's to say

Earlier tonight, I had dinner with good friend of mine.

During dessert, she excused herself to take a call. She saw the shock on my face as I saw the photo of the caller - her "ex".

So she spilled the details, then asked me how do you know when it's time to give up.

I told her that I really wish I knew the clear cut answer to that, but...I told her that I guess you'll just know when you get tired.

I wanted to tell her how that same question has haunted me for 2 years, and that it repeatedly brought tears and painful memories, because in all honesty, I was in the wrong position to even speculate an answer for that.

I guess, you know it's time to give up when the other person says so.

But in her case, she'll have to figure it out on her own, because it's her other half that's the stubborn one.

I wanted to tell her that "when everyone else says you're wrong for each other, you should listen", but really, what do they know?

Only one of you gets to decide when to call it quits, and, as painful as that may be, you have to learn to respect that. I guess I was so inexperienced in that area, I didn't know when it was the right time to accept.

I wasn't the type to accept defeat in love, but then again, some battles have to be lost to win a complicated war.

I really am no expert, so I just go with my gut.

A few years back, I envisioned a happily ever after as if it were the ending scene from a Disney movie, with the after credits showing scenes from Modern Family.

Now, I see moments where the guy's upset and ranting, while the girl earnestly waits and calmly listens until it's her turn to speak.

Life, isn't perfect, but it's not supposed to be miserable either.

I guess that's it. When it starts to get miserable, give up.

Wait.

That doesn't sound right.

When things get miserable and you've tried again and again, yet still believe it isn't over, then fight.

As exhausting and aimless as it may seem, if you have the strength, keep going.

If you were built for it, you will endure, without regret.

Sounds romantic, but I'm coming from the practical side of things - give it your all so you end without wondering.

A life where you keep wondering if you did all you could is a different kind of misery.

So, if I were to look back on my life, I did all I could. I was very foolish and naive, but I did all that I could, with what little understanding I had of duty, of the fear of being an adult, of how anxiety can break a man.

How do you know when it's time to give up?
When you keep giving until there's nothing more to give.

Flashback

While I waited outside a clothing shop to finish my smoothie, my gaze fell upon a couple by the railing. They were looking at the dancing fountain while conversing, and I suddenly remembered my past and I used to enjoy talking endlessly, not noticing how many times we've gone around the mall.

Life's just so unpredictable.

One minute, you're sure you'll stay away from relationships, next thing you know, you're building your entire world around someone without them even knowing.

There really is much more to learn about life and living in this world. Your utmost certainty about a reality may all be a lie just waiting to reveal itself.

Maybe heartbreak really is a phase or a little detour life throws at us to prepare us for the journey ahead.

To learn how to love, and feel its immense power over you is really something you can capture with words or read in books. I thought I had a pretty powerful imagination, but there's nothing like wanting to care for someone even to the point of forgetting about yourself.

Oh, it's not the best way to fall in love, but it really is an experience.

I used to hate myself for being short, for looking as if I'd let myself go in the future, dressing like I was way older, for this, and that...

Then I realized I just had to accept that we don't all end up with our first love.

Me asking for a little more time was absurd because he wasn't supposed to stay at all.

The little signs we choose to ignore, sometimes they have the most to say.

Why I was the idiot who believed in the words and promises who was probably forcing it all out of loneliness, well maybe someday I'll know why.

Why did I not understand he didn't really know what he wanted with us?

Why didn't I sense that he hated so much of me more than what he claimed to have loved?

Why I ticked him off so easily, made him more distrustful and on edge, when I tried so hard to make him feel safe?

I guess I got tired and slowly wanted to reclaim the little freedom I knew I deserved, and... well, as a consequence, I made him feel like I didn't care about him.

I guess there was a reason why our paths crossed just when I was trying to figure out what kind of person I was.

It really is amusing how he finally got to try the things I wanted him to experience with me after things ended. I just didn't want him to miss out of life just because I was by his side. Guess I never should have forced it. Wait, no, maybe I was the only thing standing in his way.

All those fights about me being careless, so absorbed with what people though, being too much of a die hard for social gatherings...

As I look at the 2 years that passed, I thought I really was that person he saw. But, I was happier with being an introvert when I could. Sure, I was finally free to chat with anyone and talk without inhibitions. But at the end of the day, I liked going home. I loved spending my weekends with family. I enjoyed just reading and typing here on sofa, pacing myself before 3 more years of the pre-duty-from lifestyle took hold of me.

Another surprise was how I stopped looking for sweets. Oh, I'll be fine with eating a cake, but I really need to share it with someone now. No more sweet cravings, because it's been replaced with an aversion for sweet drinks.

I swear, it's so ironic how I can't have more than 2 sips of a frappe, how I can do perfectly fine without chocolate or candy in my pocket...

I think I really would have outgrown those cravings, it's just, I liked seeing him happy when he'd see me light up when we'd get dessert. It was more time with him that I wanted. I guess my pride didn't want it to be so obvious. Dessert with him, well, I just wanted to stall and keep him just a little bit longer.

As for safety, well, I finally realized how stressful it was to go home late from my place with all those trucks. You feel more things when you don't hear the voice of the one you love as you drive home.

Reckless? Careless?

I... value time. Even if I used to be late all the time, it really is the language that speaks most to my heart.

If I could extend our days, I would have. I never wanted to get in the way of time with his family, I just wanted more us time. I didn't hate his family, because I really admired them for having had someone as genuine and sweet as the guy I loved. I just feared more judgment, and when it was starting to involve my family (my mom most especially), I got protective.

I already know my mom could've chosen the more ideal and courageous move of working, but her self-esteem got the best of her. My dad's lack of thriftiness, well, I may not agree to it, but he'd had it really hard growing up, so I'd rather see him happy, enjoying the fruits of his labor.

For me, it was unfair that he judged me right then and there. Fearing that I'd acquire those traits which I disapproved of. My parents, as imperfect as they may be, have made it work, so I don't fault them for that.

But that doesn't mean I don't aim to do better.

I guess, that's what was most painful.

That he saw me as someone who didn't have ambition - someone who couldn't do any better.

Nothing's more painful than hearing that from someone you love.

I was wrong in thinking his love language was that of gifts. That I didn't complain or say anything when he'd always have a present for me was also a clincher. Maybe he just branded me as materialistic, but I thought he was happy buying and picking stuff out.

I'm not really one for toys, unless it means us bonding over them. I like listening to stories about them, us spending time searching for a certain character because he was in this or that scene... but... it really was the bonding that I wanted.

I guess that's why I was so bothered that he'd often feel lonely, yet not want me to rush to his side. I didn't like that I couldn't do anything.

At the last batch party, I so desperately didn't want to go even if my cluster, the host, was required. I made enemies for being late and leaving early, but... I really was sick of going to those things. Forced socialization brought about by intoxication... Appealing when you're young, distasteful when you grow old.

On my last duty in surgery, a co-intern invited me to go out drinking with the residents, specifically singling out the resident they teased me with. I like how it was so easy for me to decline her offer.

When you care way too much about what another person thinks of you, sometimes it's easier to start doubting yourself. That I actually thought I was that ugly version of myself a few months after he left was depressing.

His image of me wasn't the only one out there, and it wasn't the right one either.

I guess all this rambling came about after I realized that it was Mother's Day, and that I still regret the day I told him in the Shang parking lot that I hated his mom, when... I really didn't. I wish I could greet her and tell her that I admire her so much as a woman and a mom, even if she disliked me to the very end. It was very unfair of me to have said that, and it was one of the things I really, really wish I could take back.

But, well, it's a little too late now.

Still, I guess I'll still thank her like this. Even if she didn't mean to, she made me into a stronger person after overcoming the monstrous insecurity that took hold of me without me knowing. It took a break up to force me to see that I was falling more and more into a blackhole.

Ha ha ha.

All because I cared a little too much and wanted to keep someone that wasn't meant to be kept.

Third wheeling

I never used to mind it until... now. :))

I guess it was way easier when the both the guy and the girl would try to include you in the conversation, but maybe I was just really lucky then.

They really don't owe me anything and I don't have to be part of the conversation all the time.

Still, never encountered feeling like the odd one out after... 4-5 couples after. :))

I guess even when I was with someone, we always made sure whoever was with us was always up to speed.

Well, there's always a first, I guess.

Surprisingly, no ill-feelings, no disappointment, just... something new.

~

BTW, life goal -> To be less emotionally affected or... less emotional in general.

It kind if makes sense why I'm so affected all the time.

I feel too much. Being empathetic has it's pitfalls too, and I'm only putting the puzzle pieces together now. :))

May. 12th, 2017

Already behind by 1 chapter.

How in the world do you cover everything????




Hours later....



And I'm just touching on the review material. *goes nuts for a bit then attempts again*

So much for finishing 2 chapters. :))

Fake it 'til you make it?

Because I can relate to this article a lot and know I'd rather avoid people than be plastic with them. :))

http://curiousmindmagazine.com/empaths-act-strange/

There are days when I have enough energy to practice my theatrical skills and think interacting is an exercise. But most days? I hate being plastic. I'd rather not talk to you unless I really need to.

And this... "feel sick to their stomach when they must tolerate fake people"
Applies so often. :))

I guess I could never explain the heaviness I'd feel when I was with people like that.

Take Lisa for example, she's so nice to me and actually treats me like a good friend, but I can tell there's something off about her. I can be civil with her on most days, but on days when I'm too happy, it's hard to suddenly shift gears.

This is why talking to people tires me out. Oh, I love talking. If I talk often with you, that means I'm comfortable around you. If I talk too much, that means I'm avoiding awkward silences.

If I can get quiet with you... that means what you say matters so much more to me, and I'm hanging on every word you say.

Yep, I really am odd that way. ;)

My best friend

I think, that maybe I could never get over my last break up because... I lost my best friend.

And after reading this article, I just thought of him.

Maybe I really was more than romantically involved.

The love I had may have been a little more than attraction, but more of... finding that one person you could trust.

He may not be a girl, but of all the people I've met, he was my truest and closest friend.

http://www.puckermob.com/moblog/to-the-girl-i-used-to-call-my-best-friend?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=PuckerMob

The romantic part, that I think I've gotten over. But of the 3 friends I've lost, I keep wishing I kept him.

I miss him because he was my best friend.

Anger

Why is it taking so long to be so impartial to all of it?

Why couldn't I have been more unaffected?

Why is it so much effort to stop caring?

This wall I put up to separate reality and the extinct is a little too fragile.

It's like I try everyday to put up my version of The Great Wall, and yet it's somehow made of paper.

Those old raw emotions are like angry waves against a sand castle.

It seems like I'll never win.

But I guess that's part of it. To toil and hope you have a better life in the end.

Well, if it was any easier, it wouldn't be much of a goal.

So much pent up anger and negativity is such a waste of energy, and proves that I still can't let go of the reigns of control.

I think I can do a better job? After 26 years, I think I have to accept that I can only do so much. Striving to be super human is.. admirable but not sustainable.

I think that's why I'm angry a lot, I compare and feel as if the world refuses to strive for something greater. That I'm alone in hoping...

I love my future children too much, I might end up not having them if I don't stop.

I'm mad because I think nobody else cares.

That's the thing, though... everybody else has something they're prioritizing.

What do I prioritize in life? Why am I such a control freak? And why do I completely detach after I get disappointed? >.<

Limit how much you care. It seems impossible, but if I'm going to use up energy and time on worrying so much, maybe I should worry about things that matter more.

It's so much effort controlling when I care or get excited, but I really think it's time to stop looking so overly excited.

In all honesty, life excites me. I feel genuinely happy and blessed when things are good and everyone's happy. The down side is, when things fall apart, it's pretty evident when I'm upset.

My emotions are too transient and shallow to take seriously consistently.

That's the thing, though. I... need to feel safe to show how I truly feel. If my emotions are in-between, I most likely feel threatened or am already too hurt.

I'm anxious about getting hurt and disappointed that I end up feeling both right away. How ironic.

*takes deep breaths*

Let go.

Time to let go of trying a little to hard to make the world a better place.

1. Think of what you want.
2. Think of what you're willing to give to attain it.
3. DON'T EXCEED. DON'T OVER EXHAUST YOURSELF ON THE LITTLE THINGS.
4. The whole world doesn't have to love you. You just have to live your life the way you see fit.
5. BUT be openminded, yet still taking things with a grain of salt.

BALANCE is key.

Let go of the anger, and obsession with control.

The unnecessary heart ache and disappointment will follow.