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Nature vs Nurture

How you grow up and live your life is a product of the influence of your upbringing + environment AND your receptiveness to them.

I was very lucky that my parents raised me to not only respect that I am my own person, but to also respect other people equally.

There were some periods in med school when I forgot that I was an important person as well, thinking so many people were better than me, but after all the highs and the lows, I kind of remembered how my parents taught me to deal with things.

Some of the things I re-learned in clerkship and internship
1. Things that you force rarely have a good outcome. To force someone to like you is a disaster in the making, and the pent up emotions are usually pretty harsh.

2. Push for what you believe in but be open-minded and humble in accepting when you're wrong.

3. It's okay to be honest and admit when you can't do it anymore. Weakness isn't something to be ashamed of, because it helps you recognize and polish your strengths.

4. Care in appropriate amounts. Like how limited your energy is energy, your thoughtfulness and care for others can only be so much. Too much care usually hurts you more in the end. Things have to be... just right.

5. Learn to let go with grace. If life takes away the people or things you cared about, be thankful you had them and make the most of the time you were given.

6. Stay if it matters to you. No matter what anybody else thinks, if you think doing a certain task matters, do it anyway. You really aren't there to please anyone but yourself. If you think that's what it takes for a job well done, just do it. It's your time and energy anyway.

~

One thing I have to unlearn is being so judgemental.

Must remember: People were brought up differently and think differently. What's right for me may not be right for them. My expectations need to be more... considerate and realistic.

Case in point: Not everybody wanted to be a doctor to help people. Others may just want to have a stable job, so I should learn to stop thinking they care less about their patients. Maybe their upper limit was simply my norm. *takes deep breaths*

Most important lesson that I usually forget when my pride and ego get the best of me:
I am no better than anyone else. I can only try to be an improved version of myself.

~ The end of internship is so near, and I can only wish I become a doctor my school and family can be proud of.

When He gives you a great day

There were are days when you question Him and there are days like this when you just feel extra thankful.

It really does boil down to the simple things in life.

And even at 26, I'm still a shallow person. :))

Today, I had the rare option to go home at rush hour... and drive for only 15 mins. :'3 It's not everyday that you're not forced to stay just so you don't waste 1 hour or more on the road.

I love it. I get to come home, and I was extra lucky because both parents were home, AND my siblings are also on their way home.

As I was driving, I was thinking of how guilty I used to feel, labeling myself as insufferable all because someone I cared about treated me that way.

It was exhausting having to try and imagine what would please him, but it really was my fault. I shouldn't have spent all that time and energy trying to please someone who couldn't understand how I was simply picking the practical choice. BUT, it wasn't his fault either, because we grew up differently. I Not everyone has the option to go home on time and rely on a driver. Like how I didn't understand how tired he was on from-days (hence preferring to stay at home), he didn't understand how exhausting it was to drive home after a long day.

There wasn't any lack in trying, it just... wasn't meant to happen. And that's quite okay.

It wasn't that one wasn't enough, but... to put it simply, we wanted different things.

Well, maybe he did.

That we couldn't agree on the little things like going home on time really was important. If he perceived me as someone who enjoyed staying out, well, maybe he didn't get to know the real me even after those 3 years. Funny how stubborn me opted to argue and defend his perception even if it wasn't true. Not because I secretly wanted it, but because I didn't see what was so wrong if that were the case.

So many days I thought I really was as reckless as he implied me to be, but looking back, maybe it was because he was more careful.

I liked that about him, and I wanted to be more like that (just a little more balanced), but... I felt pressured and threatened to be like him. The fact that it welt like something being imposed on me made me to go the other way, just to see if we'd still get along.

A few months ago, I felt stupid for challenging him, but now, I see that it had to be done. I needed to know that when conflict came, he wasn't the type to fight. He'd be the guy who would choose the smarter and more practical option. A little more time? Patience? Understanding? Maybe if he really did want to be with me, it would have been automatic.

But that's why we date people - to get to know them and see if we can stand being with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I thought before that maybe I just had an infinite amount of patience. Maybe that was why I wasn't the one who left.

Unfortunately, it makes more sense to accept that I really could tolerate seeing him everyday for even a hundred years or more. No, not tolerate, I actually looked forward to it.

I used to blame him for bringing out the evil in me, but now that I'm done bottling it in, it's obviously better to just be... real.

The kindness I feel towards people feels more genuine after I get to let out my anger.

I get to smile with all my heart again, because I'm not afraid of "attracting" people, and I get to snap whenever I please at other people instead of lashing out on the people I love.

There's this classmate who, well, there seems to be a little awkwardness between us. And that he keeps calling me with a derogatory nickname, and is too kulit physically, well, I don't think I'm that stupid.

Just to show that I've learned to choose my battles, I've been extra cautious and have been staying away. Because I've already had my version of "The Great Wall" before, and a lot of it was in my head. I don't think I can go through that again. Family drama?
Maybe I deserve to be embraced by my future family instead of pretending to be accepted.

I was quite inconsiderate and selfish then, trying to force a family to like me. That their opinion mattered more to me than my pride was just sad.

Maybe if I embraced who I was then and showed them that I really wasn't up to their standards, we wouldn't have dragged on to 3 years. Maybe.

So now, instead of entertaining the possibility of being with someone who seems to have one of the kindest and most empathic hearts I've ever seen, I will walk away. It's sweet, and flattering, but... I'll save both of us the work and heartache.

Family is a big part. If they like you at the start, you've hit the jackpot. I used to think working towards getting them to like you meant they'd love you more for trying, but... I think I was wrong. I just looked like a sketchy two-faced bashful fool.

When you care too much about the opinion of others, be it from a family you want to impress, it has this tendency to eat you up. I.. got obsessed and eventually swallowed by the idea of "perfection by the book". "No, I have to behave like they want me to for them to like me!"

*rolls eyes*

Amateur.

I don't know why I thought so badly of myself then, but days like this remind me that maybe... I'm not so bad of a person after all. *laughs*

I was worried I had no future waiting for me, thinking that was why his family didn't want me for him, but... I've seen far worse.

They have their hopes and dreams for him, and I really shouldn't have gotten in the way of that. Parents know best.

I just wanted a simple life - build a home with someone who I could talk to even when I turned old and gray. Why I pushed for him to be that person is a mystery.

When you learn to humbly accept the curve balls that life throws at you, you learn to pay more attention to the home runs along the way. No more cursing or whining why I struck out.

That weird connection I felt with him, it really must've been all in my head. That's why I get for being such a huge fan of unrequited love. :p

Anyway, this rambling was all because today was quite a great day where so many things went right. And... I just want to say thank You.

That you let me slowly get past my monstrous phase of hate, guilt, and insecurity so I could learn to grow into someone You'd be proud of... I'm really lucky.

The other day, that awkward boy kept bringing up how he first saw me snap. He kept talking about it with my good friend. Instead of feeling bad and apologizing, I felt nothing. Not because I was mad or arrogant, but because I know I was right to be upset. I didn't hurt anyone nor did I do anything out of line. I simply called out the people who refused to do their part and that we had to stay up extra long to adjust. I didn't insult anyone nor did I talk badmouth anyone.

I just choose my battles now instead of complaining about how unfair the world is. Rant here in my journal, then analyze and do what I can to make this world a better place.

Hater? Nah, after I vent, it's nothing to me. I just want to make sure people are aware of the consequences of their actions. Everyone has a choice to act how they prefer, so why waste time and energy thinking about someone who couldn't care less?

:>
I just feel so much kilig right now that I'm home so early on a Friday. :))
#littlejoys
#feelingsilly
#becauseitshot
#windeffect

Why it all went downhill: reason n/1000

When you're reminded that you were seen as something so disgusting and pathetic, it kind of helps with the acceptance.

What really helps is... why were you viewed as such?

I guess it was wrong to argue that you went out of your way to do this and that, which was clearly not appreciated. Okay, maybe the more accurate way to describe it is that it was seen as something trivial and unnecessary.

I guess the better way really would have been to ask... why?

Why was I so obsessed with spending dates out?

Why was I so ready to re-experience being a party-going teenager?

Why was I so defensive and jumpy?

Why did I act that way even if he threatened that it would hurt him? Did that mean he didn't matter?

It was never a yes for that final question. He mattered so much, I just had to finish this imaginary list of normalcy so I could proudly say that I've experienced both worlds and that I am happy to have chosen the simple yet happy committed life.

Chasing after novelty? Tiring. But how I managed to draw so much energy and give in to curiosity and ticking of stuff on the list... was because of the glowing treasure at the end of the tunnel.

Sure, pride made me think I wanted to prove I was part of the in-crowd.

But after that treasure at the end was taken away, I lost all energy to show I could go through normalcy.

I went back to being boring old me. And it wasn't as exhausting.

I could express hate, love, and fear without worrying that I'd look weak.

Whether or not I was weak was no longer an issue. I didn't have to seem or act brave and strong just so a family would learn to accept me.

Maybe if I just showed the neurotic me, things would have ended sooner and hearts wouldn't have been too broken.

Did I ever intend to hurt? Even if I were to bet every cell in my body, I could honestly say no with confidence.

But my actions still hurt him. No I didn't pick trying to look cool over his dear heart. It just seemed like something that I had to get over and done with to attain peace in the future. I didn't want any "what-ifs" being thrown my way, because I don't think I could ever explain just how certain I was about my choice for a mate.

It was so difficult to understand how/why I would stay with someone so controlling. A guy who'd make me cry even if I had an exam the next day and would be shouting in my ear because I accidentally answered questions while on the phone... It was so difficult to explain, and I really didn't have to. I just... knew I was sure. From the first moment I smiled and said how much I loved him after we shared a kiss, it was... genetic? magical? automatic? I don't know what the perfect word is, but I was super sure I didn't need to look any further.

Never did I feel like I was settling, and never did I entertain any other option.

Before, I used to think I was just immature and naive, but even after looking back and recounting so many times, he really was exactly what I wanted.

It didn't matter if he was controlling or understanding, or that he was bald or fluffy, or that he was squishy or muscly, or that he was sweet or standoffish about a certain holiday.

I really couldn't explain why, but, I just really, really loved him.

Only he could ease my worry about things, even if he was getting annoyed by thinking I was ranting because I didn't know what to do. I just... needed to talk to him, tell him I was worried, or scared, and... it was always magically better. I felt safe.

Even if it meant me crying because I was worried I upset him, or that I was sad that he didn't care about my preference, I always felt safe and content.

I made this silly promise to myself that I'd do everything to keep us, and, well, looks like it took a long while to let that go.

To love. What exactly did that mean for me then?

To keep him? Even if he was unhappy?

I guess that's why I finally stopped... because he wasn't interested in that future anymore.

Why did I want to love him until I died? I still don't know.

All I know is that he made me feel safe. Like... if I were to be eaten by sharks, I'd rather be eaten holding his hand than alone. Because I bet even up until my last breath then, I'd feel like, well, "there's no other place I'd rather be".

I'm amazed by the human's capacity to love.

You can't fully understand it until you experience it yourself. This was what patriots must've felt when they were fighting for their country even until their death. Even if it seems hopeless, even if your heart gets spit on and stepped on countless times, it still only calls out for one name.


Truly an old soul, I am.
Like those old soldier couples - where they marry and the soldier gets sent off to war, you kind of know it has no sweet ending for you, but you love unconditionally anyway.

Why?

Because... it's exactly what you were looking for.

Never mind if the world thinks your crazy, (because they could be right), because the inner peace you feel by choosing to love that one person... it's priceless.

Emotions, ideas, they just are too abstract and complicated to be explained by patterns and formulas. Blame it on instinct?

I really don't know.

I'm just really sure my hypothalamus made a choice, and... it feels good to follow it.

Re-condition myself into falling in love with someone?

Maybe if I find someone who fits this subconscious criteria in my brain. For now, the spot has been filled, and I still am perfectly happy with the cards He dealt me. Just took me a while to see that.

Not surprised

Emotional me... is really a product of hormones.

Hormones - infinity + 1
Kai - 0

When I woke up today, I was greeted by a bright red spot.
Yep, that's why I remembered.
That's why my emotions last night were so odd.

:))

That I can anticipate and now understand why/when I have episodes of emotional instability... makes it a whole lot easier.

Don't really see myself as weak now. :))
At least not like before.

Just taking it all in

As I was watching Guardians 2, I couldn't help but remember him.

Not because it was from a Marvel comic, but because this particular franchise feels the most genuine.

What I've learned after so many months of trying to get over him is that... you can get over the idea of being together, but if the care and feelings were the closest semblance of the idea of "real love", then maybe it isn't something you get rid of, and that's perfectly fine.

In the scene where, as cheesy as it may sound, Quill was told to control the energy with his heart and all his friends/family get attacked or eaten by the ground, and then... there's a mini re-run of the good memories, I actually cried. Because those reminded me of how real it felt to have those moments with me.

Maybe we really weren't meant to cross our paths romantically, because I was young and stupid then. And by young and stupid, I mean I was a bit delayed with the "milestones" in life. Though my mind knew I was over the irresponsible phase, a part of me still wondered how it felt to just go out with friends. I figured I waited long enough and have been told/learned how to get home safe, I thought I could afford a bit of clean fun. Those rare nights out weren't done to purposely spite him, but because there was something I needed to understand. That he took it personally then was partly my fault for not having understood that there was this need/drive to just tick stuff off an imaginary list.

No, I did not want to be popular, nor did I want to act like a bad-ass. I just wanted to make a few more memories. When I was in grade school, high school, I avoided the typical "wasted/party-going phase". I never got to go home drunk, wasted, hook up randomly... and I didn't intend to accomplish any of those.

I guess I just wanted to see how I'd fair in an environment where most of those events happened. And I think I wanted to prove to myself that I had self-control. To know what exactly are the social practices, and eventually knowing how to firmly say no, well, it feels quite fulfilling. It wasn't as hard as it sounds now that I remember whether or not they like me is not an issue. Actually, it was never an issue for me. It only became important when I was afraid I'd lose my boyfriend because of bad feedback.

Anyway, going back, that so many of my happy and genuine memories involved him was actually nice. I don't think everyone's as lucky as me - to have met and fallen head over heals for the man of her dreams. Oh, he wasn't perfect, and that's what I loved about him.

His uniqueness and lack of pretense was very sexy, I could imagine him 100 lbs heavier, and I'd still find him hot.

I love him, and instead of sulking that I won't be by his side to make him happy, I kind of smiled at the end of the movie because... I actually am making him happy now.

Every minute I choose to keep away, is a minute of happiness and peace in his world.
Maybe I never could make him smile the way he'd make me smile just by being close to me, but at least I'm making sure his life is a whole lot better now.

You really do worry less when your love for someone is clear and firm.

No worrying that he'll disappear if you make a wrong move...

You just know that as long as you do your best in life and continue to make him happy with your absence is a lot of effort.

But that's love. It takes work.
And sometimes it's a sacrifice.

But... you don't see it that way.
Nor do you tire of it.

When I was with him, it felt so safe and free.
I was free to be silly, and not be judged.

Too bad I felt extra judged and insecure when his family was involved. <- Which could've been a product of my poor perspective.

WHICH I finally understood. It was my first time, so I was listening to everyone's opinion because I wanted to be perfect in everyone else's eyes just so everyone would think that we were meant to be life partners.

That I wasn't the only delusional one who wanted me to spend a lifetime with that boy.

My first real love, and I wanted it to be perfect. And so I became anxious all the time.

And... his family's opinion mattered the most.
Instead of being confident that I could impress them, I was so desperate to know what their standards were so I would make the cut.
I wanted their approval so badly, I became more and more defensive with every comment.

For once, I had someone I valued more than myself.

How do you find someone you want to dedicate your entire existence to?

It's... magic.

Like how unicorns are believed to not exist, I was stunned by how I found my very own unicorn.

I guess that's why I love magic.

Not everyone gets there shot at experiencing something so amazing.

Everyday, instead of thanking the Lord I get one more day with him, I thank God for letting me have someone like that.

I got my unicorn, and I got greedy, so it ran away.

Do I honest to God want another shot at another, or even a similar unicorn?

If you asked me that years ago, or even months ago, I'd say I'd bet everything to get it back.

Now, I truly believe it's better this way.

To be grateful and not try to ruin the perfectly imperfect love I had, that's how it should be.

He was my darling, my baby, my puppy, my love, my life, my everything... and he really was the unicorn I didn't expect to have.

Hay... falling in love that hard, it's initially painful, but in totality, it's an extraordinary experience.

No, he will not be someone I'd tell my grandchildren about because he's too incredible to be justified by words.

The pain, the suffering, it was all part of it.

Someday, after working really hard, when I get have my own pond of catfish and gars, I'll smile and say, "I can't believe you didn't think I'd give in".

I'll never know what he truly wanted out of his little experiment with me, but I think I gained more out of it than he did.

No, he didn't force him to behave in any way, it was all my choice, because he was someone I wanted to keep. I didn't know how to act, so instead of relying on my instincts, it all depended on outside standards.

That's why he was so annoyed when I'd be obsessed about what other people thought. Because I didn't know how to keep something so precious.

Well, now I know you really just... have to base it on your instincts. Honestly, you wouldn't have attracted someone in the first place if it weren't for your genuine behavior and beliefs.

What do I regret the most? Is that I made him believe that I was ashamed of him and that I was forcing him to be normal, just so the world wouldn't break us apart.

(icky regret: Maybe I should have admitted to him that a part of me wanted/was willing to be on top, just so I could show him how much I wanted him. But I was afraid I'd seem too aggressive and into him. Had I known I'd never get the chance to do that, maybe I should have been more honest. lol)

It was his quirks that chained my heart to him.

His odd gait, his original humor, his excessive worrying... I found them so endearing, I didn't care if the world told me he was odd.

I loved him so much, I didn't feel pain, nor did I feel hardship.

All those nights I spent crying after we'd argue, I never regretted any of them. Not even once. I just regret why we had them in the first place - I forgot how his worry usually translates into anger and being controlling.

When... it's all usually a cover for him worrying about us.

And... I was worried about us too. :))

Hay... basta, I loved our very unconventional relationship.

Sucks that relying on external data screwed me over. And that I took his "strategies and game plan for our perfect future" as offensive when they involved my family's shortcomings. Truth be told, all he said, were mere echoes of what I already knew. Honestly, my family has so many areas for improvement. I guess I may have mistakenly thought he was judging and belittling my family. It didn't help that I put his family on such a high pedestal.

Even if I look back on all the times I cried because of him, it still goes back to how much I love him.

It's still a mystery as to how he managed to make me feel this way about him, but... I'm secretly glad he did. Whether or not he left, well, it doesn't really matter anymore.

I only lost 1-2 children with him, but he gave me so, so, so much.

Oh, I've found the drive to be better internally all right.

But that extra kilig-push? Yeah, that I can think of him minus the pain and guilt? It's... quite great.

My silent smiles and smirks to myself as I complete the 3D toy coffee table, after I adorn my bedroom with glow-in-the-dark creatures, after I put a stuffed raven beside a dragon on my bedside table... that will be enough.

Like a little personal inside-joke for myself. ;p

Maybe love never really dies when you give it a good foundation. It was just a few storms of insecurity that I threw our way. My love weathered through it all apparently. :))

On days when I occasionally remember, heeheehee. *kilig*

I got my unicorn. :>

Good signs

That I can spend hours talking to a good old friend from grade school/high school is amazing.

She has seen me through my best and worst ever since I was 9 years old, and she still looks at me like we were just playing in the parking lot.

She's now a licensed doctor, and I'm so, so, very proud.

And what's so sweet is that she's taking the time to make sure I do better in the boards than she did.

That we understand each other so well, even if we know each other's judgy bad side, makes the friendship all the more real.

I love how we can discuss how we intend to raise children, how to keep good relationships, and even good books for leisure.

~

Our conversations today reminded me of how lucky I am that my parents raised me really well.

That they always gave me the option to decide, or at least seem like I had the right to pick what was best for me after they laid out all the options is a rare gift.

I guess that's why I take the time to explain to patients no matter how toxic - when they understand, they'll do things better.

Like how my dad will explain things and specify the options and their consequences and trust me to pick what I see fit... and catch me if I fail, without judgment.

I love my parents.

I guess I never felt like what I had wasn't enough, because they provided me with everything I'll ever need.

When I was discussing with Dana how I never felt like I had to have a relationship in HS, and that I trusted in my dad's word when he said that it will eventually come, well, I still trust in it now.

I got a little impatient for a while, but you'll still see my dad loving me the same way, as if I never got a boyfriend.

I didn't ache to find relationships then because my parents made sure I felt loved and that I got to interact with all sorts of people.

Maybe that's why I didn't act like a desperate girl when we were forced to mingle with boys in my final year in high school.

I feel adequate and self-sufficient. Not because I don't want to be with anybody, but because I'd want to spend my life with someone I choose out of love, and not out of need.

You don't fall in love to fill a void.

You fall in love because you want to care for another person and build a life together... to help each other grow and be happy.

The wonderful gift of the freedom to choose.

Thank you, dear parents.

You raised 3 very grateful children.

Certainty

One of my most favorite activities in the world – YOGA.

The after-effect is too unique to compare… but I’ll attempt anyway.
It’s like getting that much needed pat on the back after you slaved away during the day.

Great way to clear your head and focus on yourself and your capabilities as a person. While doing all those poses, you are simultaneously focusing on maintaining the proper position, trying not to fall, making sure you’re still relaxed and not too gigil… you slowly discover your weaknesses and strengths both on and off the mat.

I tried cycling at one of those ridiculously expensive studios, and had a lot of fun, mind you. But nothing feels as perfect and home-y as doing yoga with the teachers in White Space. And it’s such a plus that it’s budget-friendly.

So relaxed and energized at the same time.

And, I discovered something today – Uber is quite convenient.
I used to think it was a luxury, but, after trying it twice in one day… wow.

I like how I get pleasant conversations during the ride. And that I can actually enlighten people on common misconceptions about common chronic diseases.

Today, was a good day. Guess taking it 2-3 Sketchy videos at a time is way better than binge-watching it. Ha ha ha!

~
The other day, I missed him just for a couple of minutes.
As I was enjoying a foreign skyline, I was thinking how I used to imagine holding his hand for similar moments in the future.

Then I remembered it was his last travel while we were “together” that he realized he was happier without me. Years after, I still remember that future I envisioned for us. Even after I took his instruction to heart and welcomed him with a determined heart, ready to reveal all the wounded bits I masked as “novelty” and “lack of regard for safety”.

Thinking about the irony of it all, well, it makes me laugh now. How I was clearly the foolish one tugging at the losing end, still optimistic up to the very last millisecond.

I was so young.

I was so in love.

But the painful reality was… during those few minutes of reminiscing, tears still fell down my cheeks. And I remembered that it was because I still loved that selfish boy. And that was also the very same reason why I could still smile right after – I loved him enough to let him go. Because really, I just wanted him to be happy.

Guess that’s why staying away isn’t as painful.

After those years of processing the hurt and fear of us ending, it all boiled down to how much I loved him and wanted him to be genuinely happy.

I don’t even have to see it. Or feel it.
Knowing that me exiting his life forever made him feel great… it actually made things feel… right.

Almost as right as how it feels when he smiles at me while we’re less than a meter apart. That perfection… that I can feel that as I think of how happy he is that I finally stayed away… it feels great. :’)

Imagining us on our supposed Sunday mornings… and how amazing that feels for me, well, just picturing that he feels somewhat similarly when we finally took separate paths…. It feels right.

I love how I had this image of my head where I’d wake up early and play a documentary on Komodo dragons or on some cool reptile, and wake him up so he’d watch with me and get a hug while watching.

I loved how I was planning on making chansing even when we were married and had kids na, just because… he’d be mine then.

Hay… ang sarap pa rin isipin. :3

Sneaking kisses, sneaking out to prepare an extra special breakfast for when he makes it downstairs, and he looks surprised when he sees the table…
I hate cooking and chopping, but I was so excited to learn just so I’d see his reaction every time I’d finally make a yummy dish.

Hay… kilig na kilig pa rin ako kahit kasal na kami. I wanted every weekend to feel like Valentines day was a pitiful contender.

Maybe this is why I find it so hard to give other people a chance.

I just didn’t imagine wanting to be like that with someone else.

Heehee… I still get butterflies just thinking about it.

Hug lang talaga katapat ko. Ha ha ha <- Most shallow being in the world

Oh, and I heard Frozen in one of the markets, and I thought how stupid that movie was. Then I wondered why I liked it so much before… and it finally dawned on me – it was one of the first “magical” Disney movies we’d seen in the cinema together. The whole prince-princess thing… that kids used to dream about, I wasn’t just seeing it then, I was watching it while holding my very own prince. That was it.

I hated the plot. I didn’t even care so much for it after we broke up.
Not like with my dragons and unicorns, that movie lost all meaning.

I was able to see it and judge it without bias. And I hated it. Ha ha ha

I still love sunflowers and so many of the things we used to treasure (not because of him, but because they were actually good even without the association), but Frozen? Just the song “Love is an Open Door” is something I’d keep only because it’s by Kirsten Bell.

I keep trying to figure out what it was about him that I loved.
Him as someone fat, poor, mean, heartless, bald, leg-less, burnt, paralyzed… still made me kilig. -_-‘

I can’t believe I could actually picture myself kissing scars and burn marks on his face and still feel kilig and inexplicable bliss. And I’d even challenge it by imagining him throwing away the food I just prepared for him, and cursing at me… Still, with love for him.

Hay, Lord… Why’d I let him take my heart like that?

Grrr… and I remember that day I discovered where he was ticklish.
Oh the rush of happy future days I envisioned in one split second!
You know how your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die?
I got a similar feeling but switch it with kilig-future moments.

It was like I got my Christmas gift early.

Oh, I wanted to exploit that weakness so badly just so I could get free kisses.

Damn.

It’s like I was drugged.

He really was my kryptonite.

And I wanted him close to my heart.

Oh, and I recently remembered those days we’d be re-watching the first Godzilla movie, and I’d be snuggled in his arms, trying so hard to focus on the movie. ☺)

I guess a part of me knew that between the two of us, ako and patay na patay para sa isa. That’s why I became extra neurotic. Ahahahaha!

I can’t explain how he’d tick me off often, but I’d still be so happy I was ticked of with him. Him. That I was lucky to be in love and annoyed at the same time.

Maybe that’s why my love and patience for him was infinite.

I could never imagine getting mad at him or ever wanting space between us.

(Ahem. Clingy is usually a bad omen for relationships)

People really shouldn’t love too much.

But… I couldn’t explain or help it. How I just wanted to check normaly of the list just so I could enjoy an extraordinary life with him.

Extraordinary was an understatement.

Imagining us married even in residency… I didn’t care if we would be sharing a tiny condo we were renting. The idea of us sharing a cheap meal for several nights… I wanted it. That he was scared more of the idea of being poor (because I was apparently bad with money), more than wanting to spend our lives together should have been a sign.

But I was too happy. I was going to be with him. And I’d see his worried face, hear his panicky voice, enjoying his comforting tone… I wanted every bit of it.

Ang hirap talaga i-explain, but you know how some people say that when they meet someone, they know if it’s the right one?

I think… maybe I was wrong in thinking and agreeing there are many “right ones”. Sure, lots of people to fall in love with and to make you perfectly happy.

But… how often do you find someone who’d make you feel all the things I mentioned above?

A dime a dozen?

Maybe.

But all of those memories and ideas… they still make me happy. :p

Hay…. Siya kase. :>

I swear, from the moment I met him, that I noticed him immediately, found him awkward and funny… I think that’s when I first fell in love. I just didn’t know it yet.

I don’t know and don’t care how much of the man I loved is left in the current one.

I just really, really, really know I love and miss the silliest boy I’ve ever met.

“When you find someone who’s iridescent, no one else can compare”
Unfortunately, that line, which I will forever associate with him, still stands.

And I’m still kilig, just thinking of all the landi-plans I had for him before work, after work, during work…

Maybe that’s why it had to be one-sided – I would never get anything accomplished. ☺)

Haaaaaaaay… nakooooooooo. *kilig gigil hug*

May not call him mine, but he really is the love of my life. Ha ha ha.

Even his funny raptor-run makes me kilig. Damn it. Ha ha ha.

But because I finally remembered how to love myself also, he shall stay in my imagination.

And will be retrieved for kilig. :> The legit kind. Not the actor/singer/hot-bod kilig.

Nobody said it was easy

So as I was scrolling through posts, stumbled upon that line, and just like that, the chest heaviness was instantaneous.

I forgot how the song went, and I always thought it was ironic that we were both "scientists".

I guess that song really had a meaning for us even back then...

It was like a premonition, perhaps?

"Take me back to the start"

That should have been a sign that it wasn't going to end well.

The other day, I remember thinking how it was really all a mistake.

We were young, and I was extra naive.

The homily last Sunday mentioned how you both have to be clear about your expectations before you give your vows.

Then it got me thinking about what expectations I had then, and whether or not they were realistic.

Having a boyfriend:
1. It meant you wanted to take a chance and see if you like/love each other enough to get married
2. Having someone to talk with about your hopes and dreams, no matter how silly they were
3. Have someone to trust and rely on for anything
4. Have someone to give all the love you never thought you could give
5. Have someone who'll rely on you, and allow access to his/her most vulnerable self
6. Have someone to argue with about countless things, but at the end of the day, would still hug you for being silly/crazy
7. Have someone to push you to work extra hard and give more than your best so you both can have a prosperous, long, and successful life together

I forgot the part that it really is just both of you testing the waters.

No amount of promises can keep you together, it really is a choice based on compatibility.

~

Funny how our repeated arguments on driving late and staying out to study were never truly resolved.
I guess I just wanted to see if he'd understand that I had more weaknesses than he'd expect - falling asleep/giving in to sleep. That he couldn't accept that was a little too painful, so I pushed, hoping he'd eventually accept it. But he never did.

And as he disappeared, getting to study and stay at home wasn't as impossible as it seemed before.

I remember talking to him calmly after he'd be shouting at me, and eventually, both of us would acknowledge that it was all out of worry and hurt. And everything was okay.

That we never got to figuring out that studying out was me hurting because he didn't accept me and my flaws... maybe there was a good reason for that.
- my acting out... was unacceptable. Looking back, it was tiresome, but maybe it was to make good memories with other people.

I keep thinking now if my manner of handling relationships then and now is still as layered as it used to be.

Now, when I'm upset, I say it. When I'm hurt, or tampo, I simply say it and move on.

It's only now that I realized how... hurt I was from the very beginning, and thought I was strong enough to handle it all.

Maybe that's why I write a lot. To process instead of brushing things aside... so I don't subconsciously act out.

The hurt that dictated how insecure I was with our relationship is a product of two main things:
1. He broke my trust - making "The Promise"
2. He didn't trust me
3. He cared more about the effect of the "lack of safety" on him, more than how his behavior was hurting me

Likewise, I cared more about myself - how he didn't trust me even after all I've sacrificed/avoided to reassure him.

He was right - I wasn't that spineless, nor was I that weak or thoughtless.
But I was constantly frazzled by the idea that he may not have been in love with me as I thought.

Those 3 1/2 years, I was delusional - I believed him every time he'd say he loved me. He played the part well by ticking stuff off the "perfect boyfriend checklist".

But his expectations from our relationship... what exactly were they?

I simply wanted to marry my best friend.

But I didn't feel like he trusted me. So I was scared all the time.

I guess my gut was right in thinking he'd still leave in spite all his flowery words.

All bark and no bite.

On my end, I have to work on how I can express my love and care for the other person. And I have to catch myself when I'm overcompensating and exhausting myself.

Forgot to ask the simplest question - "Are you happy? Because I'm trying to make you happy, and this *insert activity* isn't working, so something else is bothering you".

Denial will never help a relationship grow.

Turning a blind eye, hoping issues will resolve themselves on their own... is never a good idea.

"What's wrong?" - short and simple.

Then... you don't jump ahead and make conclusions on your own.

An attentive ear goes a loooooong way.

~

No, I don't want to go back.

No, I don't want to see him hurt again.

After all the tears I've cried, nothing will ever compare to the exact moment my heart broke - seeing him cry... because he was exhausted. And I... couldn't do anything... because it was too late.

It took that long for me to see... that he was trying that hard to love me, but it wasn't in our cards.

For years, I've been blaming myself, thinking there was something wrong with me.

Maybe there is... or maybe I was just too young and human.

That second... I felt like, "I'm that difficult to love".

And it didn't help that he then saw me as a monster.

But... I only did what I could then. Had we both seen that I had trust issues with him even from the very beginning, maybe we could have spared each other all that pain.

He was smart, not to swear we'd never have a future.

If you're really the type to stop caring, that wouldn't even matter anymore.

That I still promised to never have him my future, only shows I'm still the one who hasn't stopped caring. No, there is no hope for us, but that I'd still rather pretend like I choose to cut him out of my life... says a lot.

Because I can't handle it.

Because a part of me's sad that we broke up not because I fell out of love with him, but because I loved him too much, but I was too scared an insecure to function properly.

It helps that we were able to talk a few months back... that it felt like we were good friends again. The insecurity and fear... they weren't there. So it was easier to function.

Trying to hold onto something, gripping too hard... doesn't work.

There's a natural flow and order to things.

If he really was meant to love me, and me to love him, it would've been easy. Natural.

Like in the beginning.


"Oh, take me back to the start"

That's why that line has that effect on me.

Boring old hag

*points up*

That's what I'm turning into.

As the days near that big exam, and then at least 3 years of a 3-day work-life, I find myself excited to see my dogs, take a shower, and clean/organize things at home... and study. -_-'

That I ditched a beach weekend get-away with 2 different people to spend time with family at home... Ayayay. :))

The ironic part is, I actually feel more relaxed.

Climbing a mountain every now and then is fun, but now that it's expected of me while I'm in community, I've spent all my weekends at home or at the doctor, getting work-ups done while I can.

Well, even my OGTT has proven I'm far from becoming diabetic. (even if I gained 5 lbs in internship... and lost it in community. hahaha)

And that going to a good old bookstore or 1 session of yoga is enough to calm my nerves and give my heart the peace it craves.

Oh, my... If I get bored when I get older, at least there will be a lot of the world to explore.

Guess views really change when you get older.

Rushing seems like exhausting so much of yourself.

~

When I remember how I tried to rush and "get the expected rites of passage over and done with" because I was so foolishly sure I'd be tied down forever, I was so emotionally and spiritually spent.

This... I like this. Things at a proper pace, with proper timing.

They say I'm impatient when it comes to food, but in every other aspect, I honestly think I'm quite the opposite. Because no matter how much time it takes, I'm willing to wait and see things through.

Because not everyone waits.

And nothing is more precious than the gift of time.

I guess that's my most favorite thing in the world now... time.

Very effervescent, yet so, so, precious.

~ In an alternate reality:



3? I'd be lucky to have even 1. :))
Now I'm not sure if I want a girl or a boy.

Really thinking of saving my eggs and finding a sperm donor in 3-5 years.
15k a month... hmm.... Should I?

Thinking

http://www.seemypersonality.com/Personality-Report?u=PIx4x5611055-4699292x8225fx4#tab-2

Because I caught myself thinking about the old him, I decided to understand what type of person I am and how I can counter my touchy-feely tendencies.

Why I suddenly thought about him, well, the other day, after my little nightmare, I had an extra odd dream. In my dream, I apparently just gave birth to a baby girl named Andrea. I don't know why, but that's what the people around me were calling here. I didn't exactly see her in my dream, but while I was at work, I was apparently stressed out by needing some book. And, I entered this office, and he was there, talking to some important person, and he looks at me, and I just mouth, "text me if you returned it, because I need to get it after you". I don't know how he understood that, but somehow, I got hold of that book. And when I read the cover, it was for mothers and how to breastfeed while at work. I remember asking random co-residents if they had a breast pump, and right before I wake up, I finally ask the right questions... "Why am I looking for one? How in the world would I be pregnant when I'm single? And I'm not that irresponsible! To have a child without preparing the simplest things like a breast pump? And who the hell is the father? Is that really mine?!?!?!" And... I wake up.

So. Odd.

Anyway, so I remembered him in a futuristic sense - he was a few years older, a few pounds heavier, walking in his boxers, running like a dinosaur towards me, about to sit beside me on the couch. I notice his lovehandles, I notice his overgrown hair and that he hasn't shave yet for the day, still, I welcome him with open arms. My heart beats extra fast as I think, "I'm lucky".

As loser-y as that may sound, it really is how I feel when I remember. Maybe I really am the type to enjoy a little bit of fantasy. It might be the idea I had the strongest feelings for, and maybe that's why my feelings haven't changed yet.

Day by day, I know we grow and become wiser, but up until now, I still catch myself smiling as that goofball squeezes himself beside me. And at that moment, I usually forget everything else. I forget all my worries, and think, everything's perfect now. Maybe that's why our dates were always on overtime. I hated how that completeness and security had to end. I was never as insecure until I dated him, (maybe that's why he was bad for me, because my personality has never been challenged by someone like him). It's funny all those moments we'd be fighting, and... I'd secretly feel a little happy because I'd rather fight with someone I love that much than be peaceful and incomplete.

I really am odd.

Maybe he wasn't the weird one.

Most probably, I was the strange one.

Why that bothered me? After so many years of accepting it? I guess I was so scared the world to tear us apart because of it. Well, eventually it happened anyway, but it wasn't done by the world.

Still, seeing his silly face up close, near enough for me to pinch his cheeks, makes me happy. I still can't explain the overwhelming peace and happiness I feel when I imagine us snuggled tight in a tiny couch. It's not even a super cool memory with an instagram-worthy ambiance. It's just us, in a room, looking at each other. I guess that's something that really will be difficult to let go for me.

Hay... I love pretending to raise my eyebrow at his suggestions but secretly feeling kilig when he reacts, and I have to make bawi for teasing him. That probably took its toll on him, but I loved watching him. Even his odd walk and posture, I loved that it was so easy to spot him in a crowd, and that he'd make my heart flutter every single time.

Loving him, it felt right. I don't think I've ever thanked God so much for someone.
That he disappeared, well, it was painful, but... when I'm anxious or scared, just the idea of him helps.

Maybe God let our paths cross just so he could be my extra source of strength when I feel like the world's ganging up on me.

So many speculations...

And all these words may help temporarily...

But I still like seeing him when I close my eyes, with that silly facial expression I still can't get rid of. Hay...