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There are bits and pieces...

When you think of how it felt...

How warm and real it was...

How it felt you could get through any bad day, any embarrassing moment, even the worst kind of disappointment after seeing that one smile, or feeling that tight embrace. Oh, it would definitely hurt, but there would always be that extra reminder that everything would be more than okay... him.

I guess it's those butterflies and those kilig moments you find it difficult to breathe... that I remember.

Once upon a time, I was so sure of the life I wanted.

Not so long ago, I had so many plans surrounding one person.

I didn't care about anything else, and saw whatever was present as a transient phase I just had to overcome to get to our future. I guess it was wrong to put family and friends in the sidelines. Making them fit into this checklist I was rushing through just to get that "perfect" future I envisioned for us.


It wasn't a "we".

Sometimes you realize the mistakes you make a little to late.

I got overly excited for something that never would have happened even if I gave up my life for it, because it was never a one-man-project.

I guess I really was too happy. I overlooked the pain I caused him, I overlooked how limited my actions were all because I thought it would please him, I overlooked how I truly looked up to the people that brought him up, I overlooked how the little everyday things brought us closer, I overlooked how we sometimes express ourself differently when we're upset, I overlooked the value of making him feel the love I had... all because I was too focused on the end goal... of getting to that perfect life - no distractions, no fears, no people in the way...

And I remember him inches from me, as I look at him, and he reminds me how everything's better now.

Without limits, with not as many things to worry about...

I remember how every time I'd hug him, I'd think of the worst possible state he could ever be in, and it would be us, hugging it this cosy home... and I'd be running my hand through his hair, holding him close to my neck, with tears running down my cheek, smiling. I'd picture him old, I'd picture him bald, I'd picture him fat, I'd picture him missing a few limbs, I'd picture him all wrinkly, I'd picture him having a fit, I'd picture him crying... and I end up wanting to hug him more.

But the thing I never considered was, as I saw him as someone so beautiful - a creature I could only love more and more...

I never saw myself as the invisible monster. The illusion of his love made it seem like I was actually good enough to be his partner.

The mistake was thinking that premise would never change.

Rookie mistake, maybe.

But all of that had to happen.

Maybe it was for me to be more self-aware, to be more resilient, to finally act more like an adult...

Even as we accept these things, it still doesn't magically change those old feelings on my side of the world. Not yet.

So much for resilience, eh?