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Leap

Love takes a leap of faith.

There's no guarantee how real or how long it will last, but the most important things is that we aren't afraid to try.

One ought to try with his whole heart, leaving no room for regret, no space for any what-ifs.

As my friend was asking for advice on how to handle the guy she's dating, who seems like he's afraid of handling a long-distance relationship, I had nothing else to say but for them to talk it out.

I told her that talking wouldn't magically convince him, but that if they keep talking about what was bothering them, maybe they'd find a solution together.

I felt bad that it didn't give her the reassurance she was looking for, but that really is how love is. You go in not knowing how ready you are or how it will change you. No means of gauging if the person committing now will be the same person 5-10 years from now, stuck with the other.

It's quite scary once you think about it, but it really shouldn't stop you from trying.
Movies, stories, and previous relationships shouldn't keep you from taking courage.

You learn from what happened before, but you don't let that dictate your every move.
Not everything from the past will be applicable to your current or your future.

Everything around us may be used as a guide to a "better" relationship.
But overdoing, overthinking, and seeking too much counsel is also harmful.

I guess that's what makes love so beautiful - it's unpredictable nature to turn into something perfect but transient.

~

I was talking to one of my med best friends, and as we were catching up after so long, she brought up that she saw him.

Because she knows me pretty well, I sought reassurance when I asked her if I grew or improve since the last time we talked about it, which was around a year ago in that very same cafe.
I don't know if she was being honest, but she answered "yes" without hesitation. That she quantified it further was extra reassuring, because I was afraid I was improving from my perspective alone.

I guess what I like most about the aftermath is that my dreams seem clearer now. I don't have extra plans or dreams in case this or that happens in his life. I have this main goal and different back-up plans to make sure I get there.

All those times I felt bad that his ideal version of me was different from what I wanted... they're finally over and done with. That I can opt not to go to parties or social events just because I can, and not so I can make him happy, is already something. That I can drink half a bottle of beer in the middle of the day just because I want to see if it really makes a meal better, without the after-guilt... it's pretty awesome. :))

That I notice when my rowdy group mate puts his arm around me, and all the other girls and guys, and not feel completely awkward or stiff... ^_^ I think I have a pretty reliable gauge for good clean fun when I see it.

I've made mistakes, I've become tactless a couple of times, and I've stumbled more time than I can count, but... it really is a relief that I don't have someone to make me feel worse after. No one to make me hate myself for having bad judgment or poor foresight while I try to deal with the immediate pain.

I remember all I ever wanted was reassurance after a bad day, just to I can get back up and do things better... but so many times I'd be branded as someone complaining, and not having the mind or willpower to simply do something about it.

Why I was branded as someone so weak, someone who'd rely on him for finances (even if I'm studying to get a stable job as well), someone who'd break or fall at any time... I guess I'll never understand. If that's what everything I did translated into, then, maybe it really was that bad of a relationship even before it started.

I have plans and dreams for the family I'll have and the future kids I'll be raising, and none of it ever involved relying on the head of the family for support. Seriously, why would I have slaved away 5 more years just to depend on someone else??? -_-'

I still remember my simple reason for wanting to be a doctor... after seeing a lady doctor smile and make this injured kid feel better, I thought to myself, "I want to be like that lady. I want to make the broken and ruined feel better". Before, maybe I never cared about the money, but after all those MBA courses and PH lectures, you kind of understand that you need money to help more people, and to continue aspiring for that dream.

One must continually strategize to achieve that dream.