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Specks

And... I remembered again.

Funny how every time he pops up, he starts with, "still?"

It's not like I will it or intend for it to happen, it just.. does sometimes.

Usually when there's a wedding, or the promise of a forever... it hits.

When you get that warm tug, and think, "I would love something like that... and how I wish it was him". That if the rest of the world closed off and shunned us, I'd still be happy if it was us.

I hate that the idea of it still comes and goes, but... I guess genuine feelings have a strange resistance to a quick and permanent death.

Funny how after imagining all those checklists and preparing for a long and successful future, it all turned into a mere option after we first made those promises to each other.

How wanting a fixed number of kids didn't matter, as long as I had one with him.

How the idea of perfection became so simple... just us and whatever bundle of joy God would send our way.

I was so excited to throw out that part of me that cared so much about what the world thought, the second we became unbreakable.

I guess all that waiting and planning was too much for me to handle.

Everyday, thinking, "Just wait a little more and you'll get that life with him", hay... funny how that used to get me through the day even if it was weeks without him.

It sucks how it's so natural and easy for me to cut friends and schoolmates out, now that I don't have to pretend like I had normal life prior to being content with the man I was to marry.

Now that I look at it, the life I wanted with him was so mundane and boring, he really would've left or died of boredom if things worked out.

Everyday, I'd just picture us cuddled on a soft mini couch, just like the one they used to have in their home that first summer, either reading, or talking, or just... being together.

Hay... when I fall in love again, maybe I should slowly interject more exciting things in our relationship. None of those binge-adventures that will exhaust me (well, both of us), but maybe every once in a while, I'd have to put in short trips or something to make sure he doesn't tire of us.

Funny, while I was reading Sandman, I'd remember those few times he'd explain the backstory to me. I'd still hear him every now and then, when Moprheus would give a cold remark. Haha

I still don't understand how or why I fell in love with him, or what it is exactly about him that completes me or makes me feel safe.

He just did.

Even the mere idea of him.

Even after all those judged moments, when I felt like I wasn't enough for him to relax, even when I'd worry that I might not be what he is to me... I still felt lucky.

I never smiled so hard after hearing "I hate you"...

Hay... This is the perfect time to remember that the never trusted me to take care of myself, to amount to anything successful (that's why he was so worried I'd rely on him for finances), or that he really thought we were doomed to fail because of past mistakes.

Wala... that's why we wouldn't have worked out. For me, he was enough. It was just for me. You could throw me in some tiny little shanty, and as long as I'd imagine us still exchanging a few laughs, life would have been great.

Meeting him, loving him, well... it made me realize how simple my dreams were.

How saving the world shifted to just... making him happy. And getting to see him every morning with the world's most annoying smile.

Hay... when will I stop laughing at myself for being so shallow and simple minded? Not to mention naive for believing in a silly boy's promise. *face palms* Typical me.... Still, if it helps me sleep, I guess I'd take that silly snide one-worded greeting, even if it's all in my head.

(IF I turn out to be a genuine nut-case, really, really hope I'm still fit to be around patients someday)