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Certainty

One of my most favorite activities in the world – YOGA.

The after-effect is too unique to compare… but I’ll attempt anyway.
It’s like getting that much needed pat on the back after you slaved away during the day.

Great way to clear your head and focus on yourself and your capabilities as a person. While doing all those poses, you are simultaneously focusing on maintaining the proper position, trying not to fall, making sure you’re still relaxed and not too gigil… you slowly discover your weaknesses and strengths both on and off the mat.

I tried cycling at one of those ridiculously expensive studios, and had a lot of fun, mind you. But nothing feels as perfect and home-y as doing yoga with the teachers in White Space. And it’s such a plus that it’s budget-friendly.

So relaxed and energized at the same time.

And, I discovered something today – Uber is quite convenient.
I used to think it was a luxury, but, after trying it twice in one day… wow.

I like how I get pleasant conversations during the ride. And that I can actually enlighten people on common misconceptions about common chronic diseases.

Today, was a good day. Guess taking it 2-3 Sketchy videos at a time is way better than binge-watching it. Ha ha ha!

~
The other day, I missed him just for a couple of minutes.
As I was enjoying a foreign skyline, I was thinking how I used to imagine holding his hand for similar moments in the future.

Then I remembered it was his last travel while we were “together” that he realized he was happier without me. Years after, I still remember that future I envisioned for us. Even after I took his instruction to heart and welcomed him with a determined heart, ready to reveal all the wounded bits I masked as “novelty” and “lack of regard for safety”.

Thinking about the irony of it all, well, it makes me laugh now. How I was clearly the foolish one tugging at the losing end, still optimistic up to the very last millisecond.

I was so young.

I was so in love.

But the painful reality was… during those few minutes of reminiscing, tears still fell down my cheeks. And I remembered that it was because I still loved that selfish boy. And that was also the very same reason why I could still smile right after – I loved him enough to let him go. Because really, I just wanted him to be happy.

Guess that’s why staying away isn’t as painful.

After those years of processing the hurt and fear of us ending, it all boiled down to how much I loved him and wanted him to be genuinely happy.

I don’t even have to see it. Or feel it.
Knowing that me exiting his life forever made him feel great… it actually made things feel… right.

Almost as right as how it feels when he smiles at me while we’re less than a meter apart. That perfection… that I can feel that as I think of how happy he is that I finally stayed away… it feels great. :’)

Imagining us on our supposed Sunday mornings… and how amazing that feels for me, well, just picturing that he feels somewhat similarly when we finally took separate paths…. It feels right.

I love how I had this image of my head where I’d wake up early and play a documentary on Komodo dragons or on some cool reptile, and wake him up so he’d watch with me and get a hug while watching.

I loved how I was planning on making chansing even when we were married and had kids na, just because… he’d be mine then.

Hay… ang sarap pa rin isipin. :3

Sneaking kisses, sneaking out to prepare an extra special breakfast for when he makes it downstairs, and he looks surprised when he sees the table…
I hate cooking and chopping, but I was so excited to learn just so I’d see his reaction every time I’d finally make a yummy dish.

Hay… kilig na kilig pa rin ako kahit kasal na kami. I wanted every weekend to feel like Valentines day was a pitiful contender.

Maybe this is why I find it so hard to give other people a chance.

I just didn’t imagine wanting to be like that with someone else.

Heehee… I still get butterflies just thinking about it.

Hug lang talaga katapat ko. Ha ha ha <- Most shallow being in the world

Oh, and I heard Frozen in one of the markets, and I thought how stupid that movie was. Then I wondered why I liked it so much before… and it finally dawned on me – it was one of the first “magical” Disney movies we’d seen in the cinema together. The whole prince-princess thing… that kids used to dream about, I wasn’t just seeing it then, I was watching it while holding my very own prince. That was it.

I hated the plot. I didn’t even care so much for it after we broke up.
Not like with my dragons and unicorns, that movie lost all meaning.

I was able to see it and judge it without bias. And I hated it. Ha ha ha

I still love sunflowers and so many of the things we used to treasure (not because of him, but because they were actually good even without the association), but Frozen? Just the song “Love is an Open Door” is something I’d keep only because it’s by Kirsten Bell.

I keep trying to figure out what it was about him that I loved.
Him as someone fat, poor, mean, heartless, bald, leg-less, burnt, paralyzed… still made me kilig. -_-‘

I can’t believe I could actually picture myself kissing scars and burn marks on his face and still feel kilig and inexplicable bliss. And I’d even challenge it by imagining him throwing away the food I just prepared for him, and cursing at me… Still, with love for him.

Hay, Lord… Why’d I let him take my heart like that?

Grrr… and I remember that day I discovered where he was ticklish.
Oh the rush of happy future days I envisioned in one split second!
You know how your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die?
I got a similar feeling but switch it with kilig-future moments.

It was like I got my Christmas gift early.

Oh, I wanted to exploit that weakness so badly just so I could get free kisses.

Damn.

It’s like I was drugged.

He really was my kryptonite.

And I wanted him close to my heart.

Oh, and I recently remembered those days we’d be re-watching the first Godzilla movie, and I’d be snuggled in his arms, trying so hard to focus on the movie. ☺)

I guess a part of me knew that between the two of us, ako and patay na patay para sa isa. That’s why I became extra neurotic. Ahahahaha!

I can’t explain how he’d tick me off often, but I’d still be so happy I was ticked of with him. Him. That I was lucky to be in love and annoyed at the same time.

Maybe that’s why my love and patience for him was infinite.

I could never imagine getting mad at him or ever wanting space between us.

(Ahem. Clingy is usually a bad omen for relationships)

People really shouldn’t love too much.

But… I couldn’t explain or help it. How I just wanted to check normaly of the list just so I could enjoy an extraordinary life with him.

Extraordinary was an understatement.

Imagining us married even in residency… I didn’t care if we would be sharing a tiny condo we were renting. The idea of us sharing a cheap meal for several nights… I wanted it. That he was scared more of the idea of being poor (because I was apparently bad with money), more than wanting to spend our lives together should have been a sign.

But I was too happy. I was going to be with him. And I’d see his worried face, hear his panicky voice, enjoying his comforting tone… I wanted every bit of it.

Ang hirap talaga i-explain, but you know how some people say that when they meet someone, they know if it’s the right one?

I think… maybe I was wrong in thinking and agreeing there are many “right ones”. Sure, lots of people to fall in love with and to make you perfectly happy.

But… how often do you find someone who’d make you feel all the things I mentioned above?

A dime a dozen?

Maybe.

But all of those memories and ideas… they still make me happy. :p

Hay…. Siya kase. :>

I swear, from the moment I met him, that I noticed him immediately, found him awkward and funny… I think that’s when I first fell in love. I just didn’t know it yet.

I don’t know and don’t care how much of the man I loved is left in the current one.

I just really, really, really know I love and miss the silliest boy I’ve ever met.

“When you find someone who’s iridescent, no one else can compare”
Unfortunately, that line, which I will forever associate with him, still stands.

And I’m still kilig, just thinking of all the landi-plans I had for him before work, after work, during work…

Maybe that’s why it had to be one-sided – I would never get anything accomplished. ☺)

Haaaaaaaay… nakooooooooo. *kilig gigil hug*

May not call him mine, but he really is the love of my life. Ha ha ha.

Even his funny raptor-run makes me kilig. Damn it. Ha ha ha.

But because I finally remembered how to love myself also, he shall stay in my imagination.

And will be retrieved for kilig. :> The legit kind. Not the actor/singer/hot-bod kilig.