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Day off

Today was a good recovery day.

1. Put my MBA to good use by solely running the rummage sale and making Php 2000+
2. Got to have a light lunch with good friends in the group, and a slightly decent conversation with the Ivan Te, with insults in between.
3. Did vinyasa and sweat so much, I felt so fulfilled after. (arms hurt too)
4. Was invited to third wheel and watch a childhood favorite, with its Transformers vibe.

~
Funny kwento. So, I was so annoyed that they weren't morphing into the big robot yet, then... I got surprised that they came out of the hole alive as the giant robot. :))
I so funny.

~
5. Arrived with my mom in a good mood, asking how my day was.
6. Actually contibuted to the report and school work before reading non-med stuff.
7. Will attempt to watch to sleep.

Day and Night

The beauty about community is that it gives you time to spend weekends with family.

So last weekend, I was at my grandma's house, waiting for my cousin to arrive from the airport.

It was quite hot, so napped on the baby couch by the window.

And then, well, I had a nightmare.

I was at his house for some medical event, I had no idea why I was there, but nobody was shocked by my presence, so I assumed I was invited. As we were about to have dinner/lunch (really unsure what time of the day that was), he was walking to the table with his girl. I'm not sure where they sat, but whoever was in front of me had this really interesting conversation running about a child's thoughts, so I was too focused to notice. As dinner ended, people were saying their goodbyes, and, I remembered not seeing his mom, so I looked for her. I found her at the back of the kitchen, so I made beso and told her I was genuinely happy they let me come over. As I was pulling away, she held my hand and walked me up the staircase. And when we found him alone, she just said, "You two need to talk".

She smiled at us and walked down the stairs.

I had no idea what was going on, but when I looked at him, tears suddenly started flowing down both of my cheeks.

I laughed and said, "I guess I really waited this long to say sorry." Then I mentioned so many of the things from his email that I shouldn't have done, and how horrible I felt for making him that hurt. He wasn't saying anything, but I kept going on until I thought he'd snap back at me.

When he started tearing up, I just hugged him and apologized for not setting him free sooner. I hugged him like it was the first and last time I'd ever get to hold him, and just like that... I woke up.

There are days when I'm grateful God put me through something so lifechanging, and there are days when I worry the trauma cost me so much of a good future.

I slowly noticed how I'm terrified of offending people I really care about without intending to. When they call me out, I start to think it's a count down to us going separate paths.

I keep thinking maybe I really was the monster he said I was. Logically, I know I'm not that horrible of a person, but when I realize I made a mistake, I slowly sink into this lake of insecurity - What did I do now? Why didn't I notice? What's wrong with me?

I worry I really suck at listening.

I worry I really am too offensive.

Hay... I was considering freezing my eggs the other day, just to give my future kids the best possible genes I can offer, but now I realize, why bother when I'm not even sure I'll have that opportunity.

Maybe I really am just a cold-hearted bitch.

Well, for what it's worth, whatever it is I lack to create a strong healthy relationship, I will make up in patient care.

~

By the way, of all the presents my dad got us, I just have to say, health insurance was one of the best and smartest things ever.

So, we all got our tests done, and finally, I can say I'm not diabetic!! :))
Not even with impaired fasting glucose. :p

What's funny is, after learning of those results last weekend, I slightly lost the appetite for treats. :)) Even after that crazy sale at the grocery, I got pocky with nuts and cereals with dark chocolate and strawberries as my guilty pleasure. :))

Which all remain unopened. :))

~

Anyway, so that nightmare bothered me a bit, so instead of spending the afternoon alone at home, (since both my parents were out), I decided to go to the bank and visit a calming place... the bookstore. I swear, nothing makes my soul seem more at peace like holding a book and reading it in peace.

And when I got home, after we ate dinner, to clear my mind further, I decided to clean our floor. I vacuumed, changed the sheets, mopped the floors, and added more of our junk to the rummage pile.

And to top it all off, I had a nice warm, then cold shower... Then, I went back to this. Typing.

Hay... Today was pretty good day.

Tomorrow, will go back to exercising. :))

Specks

And... I remembered again.

Funny how every time he pops up, he starts with, "still?"

It's not like I will it or intend for it to happen, it just.. does sometimes.

Usually when there's a wedding, or the promise of a forever... it hits.

When you get that warm tug, and think, "I would love something like that... and how I wish it was him". That if the rest of the world closed off and shunned us, I'd still be happy if it was us.

I hate that the idea of it still comes and goes, but... I guess genuine feelings have a strange resistance to a quick and permanent death.

Funny how after imagining all those checklists and preparing for a long and successful future, it all turned into a mere option after we first made those promises to each other.

How wanting a fixed number of kids didn't matter, as long as I had one with him.

How the idea of perfection became so simple... just us and whatever bundle of joy God would send our way.

I was so excited to throw out that part of me that cared so much about what the world thought, the second we became unbreakable.

I guess all that waiting and planning was too much for me to handle.

Everyday, thinking, "Just wait a little more and you'll get that life with him", hay... funny how that used to get me through the day even if it was weeks without him.

It sucks how it's so natural and easy for me to cut friends and schoolmates out, now that I don't have to pretend like I had normal life prior to being content with the man I was to marry.

Now that I look at it, the life I wanted with him was so mundane and boring, he really would've left or died of boredom if things worked out.

Everyday, I'd just picture us cuddled on a soft mini couch, just like the one they used to have in their home that first summer, either reading, or talking, or just... being together.

Hay... when I fall in love again, maybe I should slowly interject more exciting things in our relationship. None of those binge-adventures that will exhaust me (well, both of us), but maybe every once in a while, I'd have to put in short trips or something to make sure he doesn't tire of us.

Funny, while I was reading Sandman, I'd remember those few times he'd explain the backstory to me. I'd still hear him every now and then, when Moprheus would give a cold remark. Haha

I still don't understand how or why I fell in love with him, or what it is exactly about him that completes me or makes me feel safe.

He just did.

Even the mere idea of him.

Even after all those judged moments, when I felt like I wasn't enough for him to relax, even when I'd worry that I might not be what he is to me... I still felt lucky.

I never smiled so hard after hearing "I hate you"...

Hay... This is the perfect time to remember that the never trusted me to take care of myself, to amount to anything successful (that's why he was so worried I'd rely on him for finances), or that he really thought we were doomed to fail because of past mistakes.

Wala... that's why we wouldn't have worked out. For me, he was enough. It was just for me. You could throw me in some tiny little shanty, and as long as I'd imagine us still exchanging a few laughs, life would have been great.

Meeting him, loving him, well... it made me realize how simple my dreams were.

How saving the world shifted to just... making him happy. And getting to see him every morning with the world's most annoying smile.

Hay... when will I stop laughing at myself for being so shallow and simple minded? Not to mention naive for believing in a silly boy's promise. *face palms* Typical me.... Still, if it helps me sleep, I guess I'd take that silly snide one-worded greeting, even if it's all in my head.

(IF I turn out to be a genuine nut-case, really, really hope I'm still fit to be around patients someday)

Leap

Love takes a leap of faith.

There's no guarantee how real or how long it will last, but the most important things is that we aren't afraid to try.

One ought to try with his whole heart, leaving no room for regret, no space for any what-ifs.

As my friend was asking for advice on how to handle the guy she's dating, who seems like he's afraid of handling a long-distance relationship, I had nothing else to say but for them to talk it out.

I told her that talking wouldn't magically convince him, but that if they keep talking about what was bothering them, maybe they'd find a solution together.

I felt bad that it didn't give her the reassurance she was looking for, but that really is how love is. You go in not knowing how ready you are or how it will change you. No means of gauging if the person committing now will be the same person 5-10 years from now, stuck with the other.

It's quite scary once you think about it, but it really shouldn't stop you from trying.
Movies, stories, and previous relationships shouldn't keep you from taking courage.

You learn from what happened before, but you don't let that dictate your every move.
Not everything from the past will be applicable to your current or your future.

Everything around us may be used as a guide to a "better" relationship.
But overdoing, overthinking, and seeking too much counsel is also harmful.

I guess that's what makes love so beautiful - it's unpredictable nature to turn into something perfect but transient.

~

I was talking to one of my med best friends, and as we were catching up after so long, she brought up that she saw him.

Because she knows me pretty well, I sought reassurance when I asked her if I grew or improve since the last time we talked about it, which was around a year ago in that very same cafe.
I don't know if she was being honest, but she answered "yes" without hesitation. That she quantified it further was extra reassuring, because I was afraid I was improving from my perspective alone.

I guess what I like most about the aftermath is that my dreams seem clearer now. I don't have extra plans or dreams in case this or that happens in his life. I have this main goal and different back-up plans to make sure I get there.

All those times I felt bad that his ideal version of me was different from what I wanted... they're finally over and done with. That I can opt not to go to parties or social events just because I can, and not so I can make him happy, is already something. That I can drink half a bottle of beer in the middle of the day just because I want to see if it really makes a meal better, without the after-guilt... it's pretty awesome. :))

That I notice when my rowdy group mate puts his arm around me, and all the other girls and guys, and not feel completely awkward or stiff... ^_^ I think I have a pretty reliable gauge for good clean fun when I see it.

I've made mistakes, I've become tactless a couple of times, and I've stumbled more time than I can count, but... it really is a relief that I don't have someone to make me feel worse after. No one to make me hate myself for having bad judgment or poor foresight while I try to deal with the immediate pain.

I remember all I ever wanted was reassurance after a bad day, just to I can get back up and do things better... but so many times I'd be branded as someone complaining, and not having the mind or willpower to simply do something about it.

Why I was branded as someone so weak, someone who'd rely on him for finances (even if I'm studying to get a stable job as well), someone who'd break or fall at any time... I guess I'll never understand. If that's what everything I did translated into, then, maybe it really was that bad of a relationship even before it started.

I have plans and dreams for the family I'll have and the future kids I'll be raising, and none of it ever involved relying on the head of the family for support. Seriously, why would I have slaved away 5 more years just to depend on someone else??? -_-'

I still remember my simple reason for wanting to be a doctor... after seeing a lady doctor smile and make this injured kid feel better, I thought to myself, "I want to be like that lady. I want to make the broken and ruined feel better". Before, maybe I never cared about the money, but after all those MBA courses and PH lectures, you kind of understand that you need money to help more people, and to continue aspiring for that dream.

One must continually strategize to achieve that dream.
Because this is funny, and I need to be more self-aware... This is also why I act like a child. :))

https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-strengths-and-weaknesses

Poor Practical Skills – When it comes to conceiving ideas and starting projects, especially involving other people, Campaigners have exceptional talent. Unfortunately their skill with upkeep, administration, and follow-through on those projects struggles. Without more hands-on people to help push day-to-day things along, Campaigners’ ideas are likely to remain just that – ideas.

Find it Difficult to Focus – Campaigners are natural explorers of interpersonal connections and philosophy, but this backfires when what needs to be done is that TPS report sitting right in front of them. It’s hard for Campaigners to maintain interest as tasks drift towards routine, administrative matters, and away from broader concepts.
Overthink Things – Campaigners don’t take things at face value – they look for underlying motives in even the simplest things. It’s not uncommon for Campaigners to lose a bit of sleep asking themselves why someone did what they did, what it might mean, and what to do about it.

Get Stressed Easily – All this overthinking isn’t just for their own benefit – Campaigners, especially Turbulent ones, are very sensitive, and care deeply about others’ feelings. A consequence of their popularity is that others often look to them for guidance and help, which takes time, and it’s easy to see why Campaigners sometimes get overwhelmed, especially when they can’t say yes to every request.

Highly Emotional – While emotional expression is healthy and natural, with Campaigners even viewing it as a core part of their identity, it can come out strongly enough to cause problems for this personality type. Particularly when under stress, criticism or conflict, Campaigners can experience emotional bursts that are counter-productive at best.

Independent to a Fault – Campaigners loathe being micromanaged and restrained by heavy-handed rules – they want to be seen as highly independent masters of their own fates, even possessors of an altruistic wisdom that goes beyond draconian law. The challenge for Campaigners is that they live in a world of checks and balances, a pill they are not happy to swallow.

And why I take a while to heal...

CAMPAIGNER RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to relationships, there’s hardly anyone around who is more excited than Campaigners to share with their partners the bounty of ideas and eye-opening experiences that life has to offer. For people with the Campaigner personality type, relationships are a joyous process of mutual exploration and imagination, a chance to connect with another soul. Campaigners take their relationships seriously, and are known for their uninhibited and unshakeable devotion to the people to whom they’ve committed their hearts.

And why my ex and I fought so much...

CAMPAIGNER RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to relationships, there’s hardly anyone around who is more excited than Campaigners to share with their partners the bounty of ideas and eye-opening experiences that life has to offer. For people with the Campaigner personality type, relationships are a joyous process of mutual exploration and imagination, a chance to connect with another soul. Campaigners take their relationships seriously, and are known for their uninhibited and unshakeable devotion to the people to whom they’ve committed their hearts.


AND... the extra challenge I must overcome...

Not everyone can handle the excitement, occasional neediness, and emotional ups and downs that this philosophy entails, whether long-distance or long-term, mystical or physical. Campaigners constantly explore new ideas and improvements, fantasize about future possibilities – in dating, this tendency to look at potential rather than the present can be self-defeating, and their spontaneity makes it harder to stay focused on their end goal of a long-term relationship. If their partners aren’t able to reciprocate these acts of excitement and devotion, Campaigners will likely end up feeling unhappy and misunderstood.


I am sorry, but this is so painfully accurate...

So, You Think You Know the Real Me?

Campaigners go all-in with their relationships, and if they fall apart despite their efforts, they can end up plagued with questions about why the relationship failed and what they could have done differently – without a buoy, these thoughts can crush Campaigners’ self-esteem as they sink into depression. It’s important for Campaigner personalities, as with anyone, to remember that relationships are in all ways mutual – mutual interest, mutual growth, and mutual responsibility – and they can’t be solely accountable.

After a trial like this, Campaigners may be reluctant to open up and commit, and it can take years for a partner to navigate their bewildering depth and intensity, falsely believing that Campaigners’ enthusiasm and apparent openness means that they wear everything on their sleeves. The reality is that Campaigners’ spontaneity, the seeming inconsistency and erraticism the untrained eye sees, isn’t a product of flightiness or lack of depth, but the opposite – it is a drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy, in the confines of a physical world, and underlying it all is the uniting principle of love, expressed in many different ways, but unshakeable and infinite at its core.

And why it NEVER would have worked out.
*drum roll*

Their sensitivity may make it too challenging to play with more critical and argumentative personalities, such as strongly expressed Thinking (T) and Judging (J) types, but they do appreciate, even cherish, the company of most anyone who appreciates theirs, and the adventures and experiences they have together are the stuff a good life is made of.

Almost

Was so close to giving in to the pain again.

1 weekend of heartache, was admittedly too much to bear.

It was the longing and the missing from way back that somehow slipped through the cracks.

Haven't cried like that in ages, and for now real trigger at all, except for another Korean series. It's not really something I want to get into, but I like how it helps with unleashing what's left of a past I tried to bury.

It really isn't something you're supposed to force to erase or forget, but will slowly die out in time.

I guess all that longing, all those magical moments were there to cheer me up, because I haven't seen real hardship until then.

To invest that much, it takes courage. And to continue to care in spite of the heart ache, that takes strength and determination. But to keep up with life and grow, that takes wisdom from all those heartaches.

Slowly getting by, that's the most accurate description for what state I'm in.

Do I hate or regret anything, now, it seems like I was right to at the time, all because I was surrounded by sadness and pain.

But all things considered, it really was the better path. You really are supposed to spend your mornings waking up to someone who looks at you with love and accepts you for who you are, lates and all. :))

I know I may have said this a long time ago, but I guess I loved him more because he was familiar. The frustrations, the closed-mindedness, the lack of flexibility felt a little too familiar... I couldn't hate him for it. Me adjusting all the time... sure you do that for family. But what if you had a choice?

That's the thing... somewhere out there is a guy who will appreciate and love me for being decent. He won't make me feel bad for being rightfully curious.

Why I felt bad and more insecure while I was with him was mostly self-inflicted, but a huge chunk of it was also because of how he treated me.

I guess the image of perfection I envisioned for myself was so far from reality that I took every criticism from him and his family as a hard blow.

When Ivan said there must have been something very wrong with me to have tolerated that relationship that long, well, he must have been right.

I was in a very, very dark place then.

I guess it all started with hime telling me I was criticized for my tire looking eyes. And this was after I was very fond of his mom after we had our first movie day there. I guess the sudden turn of events was a little too shocking and hurtful for me to handle. And maybe I never really processed that disbelief. Guess it was something too "foreign" for me to handle.

Funny. "Be yourself", he said. I guess that's why I could never take that advice seriously because from the beginning, I was myself and I my ego was quite shattered. I was 21, so I was pretty hurt. I used to love my big eyes. :))

I guess I really an a sensitive soul. An annoying feeler.

Speaking of which...
~


That is why we rarely saw eye to eye. I am feeler and he is a thinker. I think I used to be a thinker, until I saw how mean I could be when I was less considerate of my surroundings.

That's why I'm sure I'm a Slytherin, but like Harry, I'm choosing to be otherwise, just so I don't give in.
~

Then again, I cared a little too much about what he and his family thought about me, so that was also a big mistake.

As I look at the last 2 years, I know I've made enemies, but at least they were by choice. I stood up for what I thought was right, I picked which friends I'd stay close to, and I detached from people who were too "toxic" to keep. I stopped caring so much on whether I was more liked or not, and... it feels good. I feel me again. Not so quivering girl uncertain on what the proper move was.

I guess things really do happen for a reason.
1. My first best friend cut me off, then I became extra paranoid of what people thought about me.
2. My first love dropped me, then I became more focused on what I wanted in life.
3. My first sisterly-bond post-break up made me feel like I was Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls

Now, I just feel more me. No guilt to go to parties, no hunger to be more participative in social events, no loneliness from spending my nights alone in the second floor/house...

So far, I like how 2017 has been turning out. I like studying at my own pace at home, then not having to worry about informing anyone other than my parents on days I feel like studying out. I like how I get to watch Beauty and the Beast to feel like a kid again, then watch the concert of the artist who helped me understand the break up. I like how I'm with a lot of familiar faces in med school during my community med and that they get how I've "grown" post-break up.

I'm not sure how long before I get back up completely, but I'm lucky I finally feel lighter after all that time sulking.

~

When I was singing along to Shawn Mendes' songs from the second album, I remembered why I liked his music. The lyrics... they captured just how torn and broken up I was, and how he must've felt when it happened. At least I hoped he felt a little of that, if whatever we had was real.

"Those three empty words will only make it worse. I'm tired. I can't take it anymore."

Maybe that's how it was at the last leg of that race to freedom.

Bits

There are bits and pieces...

When you think of how it felt...

How warm and real it was...

How it felt you could get through any bad day, any embarrassing moment, even the worst kind of disappointment after seeing that one smile, or feeling that tight embrace. Oh, it would definitely hurt, but there would always be that extra reminder that everything would be more than okay... him.

I guess it's those butterflies and those kilig moments you find it difficult to breathe... that I remember.

Once upon a time, I was so sure of the life I wanted.

Not so long ago, I had so many plans surrounding one person.

I didn't care about anything else, and saw whatever was present as a transient phase I just had to overcome to get to our future. I guess it was wrong to put family and friends in the sidelines. Making them fit into this checklist I was rushing through just to get that "perfect" future I envisioned for us.

"I".

It wasn't a "we".

Sometimes you realize the mistakes you make a little to late.

I got overly excited for something that never would have happened even if I gave up my life for it, because it was never a one-man-project.

I guess I really was too happy. I overlooked the pain I caused him, I overlooked how limited my actions were all because I thought it would please him, I overlooked how I truly looked up to the people that brought him up, I overlooked how the little everyday things brought us closer, I overlooked how we sometimes express ourself differently when we're upset, I overlooked the value of making him feel the love I had... all because I was too focused on the end goal... of getting to that perfect life - no distractions, no fears, no people in the way...

And I remember him inches from me, as I look at him, and he reminds me how everything's better now.

Without limits, with not as many things to worry about...

I remember how every time I'd hug him, I'd think of the worst possible state he could ever be in, and it would be us, hugging it this cosy home... and I'd be running my hand through his hair, holding him close to my neck, with tears running down my cheek, smiling. I'd picture him old, I'd picture him bald, I'd picture him fat, I'd picture him missing a few limbs, I'd picture him all wrinkly, I'd picture him having a fit, I'd picture him crying... and I end up wanting to hug him more.

But the thing I never considered was, as I saw him as someone so beautiful - a creature I could only love more and more...

I never saw myself as the invisible monster. The illusion of his love made it seem like I was actually good enough to be his partner.

The mistake was thinking that premise would never change.

Rookie mistake, maybe.

But all of that had to happen.

Maybe it was for me to be more self-aware, to be more resilient, to finally act more like an adult...

Even as we accept these things, it still doesn't magically change those old feelings on my side of the world. Not yet.

So much for resilience, eh?

Raindrops

There are so many things I want to write about, but they're barely related to each other. :))

25 day challenge.. ought to begin at some point. So, let's give it a try. It's not a punishment, it's a conscious choice. Then... that OGTT. :))))) #noexcuses

~

For the past 5 days, I have been visiting my old college, and... I guess I finaly know why I felt so at home there instead of the blue school I wanted to be a part of.

UP was a school that welcomed ideas that were out of the box. I've been called "weird" by so many people, I've lost count. But... I barely heard that in college. Most of the time, it was self-proclaimed or among me and my hs friends.

This article was quite timely: https://qz.com/874527/life-hacks-for-2017-the-bad-habits-you-should-give-up-if-you-want-to-be-successful/

"Give up playing small

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”—Marianne Williamson
If you never try to take the big, bold opportunities, or trust enough in yourself to allow your dreams to become reality, you will never realize your full potential.
This means, in turn, that the world will never benefit from what you could have achieved. So voice your ideas, don’t be afraid to fail, and certainly don’t be afraid to succeed."

I'm not saying I'm amazing, but at some point, it'll be too difficult to keep holding back.

Then there's...
"Give up your excuses

“It’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.”―Randy Pausch "

That ought to be a great life resolution. But it will seem so impossible to keep, but everything's difficult at the beginning.

~

The other day, as I remembered so much of the bitter sweet memories from that old campus, I figured it's easier to cope when you ask, "why".

As I passed the old IB door facing PH, I remembered that odd hug, then I asked, "Why would that still affect you when that was already wrong in the first place?"

As I remembered the kilig I felt by Econ, and the guilt after, "Why would you fault yourself when you had no idea what kind of future was waiting for you?"

Then, as I parked in front of PH, I remembered that moment he slipped... "Why would you hate yourself for letting yourself feel that natural giddiness?"

I should have accepted long ago that so much of what happened was out of my hands.

There was no one to blame but myself, but the blaming has limits.

Sure, I made so many wrong decision, but there were always reasons why I did those things.

At that point in time, with the little experience I had and the overflowing emotion and will I had to keep what we had, I had did not leave an opening for understanding.

I thought it was right to continue... to keep a promise.
But the destruction was too vast. The damage that began so long ago served as the rocky foundation to what we had.

The irony of how amazing I felt with him and how sucky I felt with his family... I completely approached that the wrong way, all because they hit a bull's eye on my ego - my height.

As shallow as that may sound, it was an insecurity I never took seriously until they nitpicked on it... mainly because that was something I could not change.

So from the very beginning I already felt like a failure... that I would never be good enough.
Instead of my usual method of outshining my flaws with my good traits, I felt like I was in an inescapable bind. I made the wrong crucial move... all because I wasn't ready.

What all those wrong decision illustrates is how I was far from ready from being part of someone else's life. It's ideally such a natural step in a relationship, but I was too preoccupied with one insecurity, it led to several branches of doubt and insecurity.

Everybody judges everybody, and I never really cared until him... and that was my big mistake.

I cared too much about what people said and thought, because I was aiming for an impossible perfection.

I guess Ivan was right - there really was something deeply wrong with me when I managed to stay that long.

I was determined to get to to this idea of perfection we didn't share. And I was afraid he wouldn't accept how odd and imperfect I was.

Well, I was definitely right about the latter. :))

But, I guess it I'm finally feeling that breath of fresh air after realizing I really am too odd to have been accepted by his family, and I shouldn't have forced that. I hid and buried as much of my quirkiness as I could, and it was impossible to speak or make a move.

I really am anal about schedules and extra particular about planning, but I didn't want to give off a psych vibe.

~

And I realized I may despise entitled and rude rich kids, but, honestly, they really don't know any better. So for me to judge them and fault them for a privilege they missed out on.... well, it's quite unfair, really.

TBC

Real life hits...

The other day, I was so bothered by my immature sadistic groupmate. He said, "Actually, I really think there's something seriously wrong with you to have stayed that long in that relationship."

Normally I brush off his insults and comments, but when he gets serious and he uses his psych background on me, I get affected.

Maybe I really was the half with the screwed up view. We already know I was the idiot with the foolish childhood fantasy, and I really thought all the crazy stuff I did was out of blind unconditional love, but what it... there was really something off about me then? That I started throwing out logic and reason out the window seemed to fit the usual description of "head over heels", but what if... I really am a psych case?

I thought I was just lucky to have been able to check long-term stuff off my checklist, then eventually fell in love, but... that I never recovered mentally says a lot. It was way past it's due date... I didn't even wake up in time, he had to leave for me to get it.

Why was I so desperate to keep him? Why did I become so insecure and so sure he was everything I wanted to keep?

Hay.... Still with so many questions. I hate that Chinese brat. This introspection is all his fault. If I could return the favor I would, but on his rare lucid moments, he's actually a nice guy. Too bad he's ADHD mode most of the time. His pinches and odd hugs are taking its toll.

On a lighter note... I did this for fun:



Oh, and I am thankful for family and friend/s. Even if I'm probably as screwed up as that dork says I am, for some reason, I still have good people behind me. Even if they've seen me at my worst, they still love me. I haven't had this many tantraums until internship happened, and.. they still stuck it out with me. Amazing.

I used to enjoy watching Korean novelas, but when I get too kilig and associate myself with a character, I still think of...

How I'd be anticipating our dates, and waiting for the time we'd start holding each other's hand....

And how'd I'd feel this magical completeness whenever we'd hug.

I wish I'd stop saying that nothing felt more right, but... I'm still stuck in limbo.

My heart still remembers it so well because it only ever fluttered that madly then.

And of all the kilig moments, I rememberd the second I saw him after he shaved his head.

I laughed so, so , so hard, but the whole time, I thuoght, "Yeah, I'm marrying this one". Because even if he looked so different, he was still annoyingly cute. I remember loving our pictures on that date. Most of my smiles were so happy in those photos. Back then, I was so, so, so sure I had everything I ever wanted.

Every few months, I find it so funny how none of that came across, or that even if it did, it was never enough.

Because all the while, while I was falling more and more, I kept showing even my most insecure side, that's when it was more obvious that I became intolerable.

Guess it was better that way. That I found out earlier that my worst version would drive away someone I was so damn sure of.

Guess you can never really tell.

Just like how I can't tell how, when, or if I'll ever forget.

And that time I finally figured out how to tickle him, and thought of how often we'd get into tickle fights.

Even if we got into a world where we'd never be allowed to kiss, I'd wish they'd allow at least the handholding. That I think I cannot have lived without.

I remember how simply tracing his fingers made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Hay... had I known I was such a sucker back then. -_-'

How I'd try on so many outfits before any date, and be slightly sad when he'd be unhappy with my choice.

I wish I didn't fuss so much about him or us... maybe then I wouldn't have gone crazy with jealousy and insecurity...

Hay... pero it was so easy to fall for that annoying boy.
And how it was so impossible to not try and kiss him every chance we were alone. I hated being so insecure because I was so worried the outside world would tear us apart whenever we were judged. Hay.... I swear, I was so funny. How there were times when the feelings would just well up and I'd just wish we were in some corner or in a car.

There were so many days when I'd wish I didn't love him so much that I'd be crying because he'd remember me in the middle of duty.

And how it so damn hard to keep myself from seeing him because we were supposed to pick the more practical ays to go on a date.
That was so damn hard. I'd be complaining to Karen all the time... because I just wanted to see if he was okay, and to force him to stop eating those sad burgers.

Wala... I got sucked in...

And I forgot that maybe, I really wasn't the one for him.
After 2 years I forgot that maybe I wasn't good enough.
I just foolishly assumed he felt the same way when most probably, he was just going with the motions, half-heartedly trying to keep a promise when the bitter truth was that he felt trapped.

I don't know why I always assumed we'd get through anything.

I don't know how I deluded myself into thinking we wind against all the odds in the universe.

I really don't know what I was thinking then... because frankly, maybe I wasn't. I let myself get stuck in the idea that I loved him and that was all that was needed.

Hay... I really wish I could say, "Yep, that's it. I'm completely healed"

But... only heaven knows, I guess.