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All too Familiar

Going back to our old classroom, seeing the spot where we sat when he snuck in, having an unknown classmate write his name on my handout...

I guess Karen could tell earlier that I wasn't completely over it.

I'm over the idea of a future, but I guess it still shows that I'm too attached to the past.

I remember texting him in class whenever I'd be reminded of him, or when I missed him... And today, I felt a little sad as they discussed reproduction and offspring. Those were the usual cues to text him, and jokingly hint at the future we had.

I remember asking myself if I'd be able to live with us not having a child by choice, and thinking how life wouldn't be so empty because we'd be together. lol

I wish I had regrets, but I really couldn't have handled it any other way. I really was too pre-occupied with the big picture - our future. I was so oblivious to his exhaustion, foolishly thinking we were okay internally. Warding off the criticism, the judgement... I was so focused on making sure no one got in our way, I made him feel like he was inadequate in my eyes. I didn't know how else to reassure him when he'd voice that out, because I knew that I was 110% sure he was all I needed. But as I forced him to pretend to be someone else, just for us to "look okay", I guess my affection felt like a lie.

I remember trying so hard to tell him with the way I held his hand, as we were walking around the oval for the last time, and me snapping at him when he tried to make conversation. I told him he was ruining the moment... it didn't occur to me that I wasn't getting across to him. I blamed him instead of explaining that I was scared of losing him, yet happy I was still holding his hand.

I haven't seen his face in so long, and maybe my brain has altered my memories of him, but his warm face still melts my heart.

I still hear him in my head making funny comments about a jologs lecturer, making a haughty remark just to sound confident... because he knows I find that cute. I swear, of the many times I tried to sound like I wanted to be cool, 95% of the time, I just wanted to hear his default lecture about no needing to be "cool".

I wish I could say I've forgotten about him amidst all this worrying about my future, but... here I am, with the same stupid look on my face, smiling at the idea of him.

I still catch my self asking God to take care of him when I hear thunder or see lightning. Sometimes I still wish he's indoors when the rain starts pouring...

After everything, it looks like I was meant to be a loser at love. Still, even if our paths crossed just when I was crazy naive, at least we met even for a little while.

As he adjusted and compromised, turning into a better life-partner, I suddenly wanted to find myself. I can't say I would have done otherwise that night of the party, but I should have been more sensitive. I could have spared him from getting hurt...

It's like we were at war, and I was assigned to the frontline. And when I went back in, whatever it was I was protecting was already stabbed 20+ times because I was negligent.

I may never forget the pain of seeing him cry in my car that day. That second, I actually felt that him being "weak" wasn't all words. The "tough love" I was trying to go for felt like the dagger to his heart.

I remember thinking, "Shit. What have I done?"

But it was too late. I destroyed the man I loved.

And nothing more could be done.

So... I don't know how long I'll be hanging on to those memories, but I have a bad feeling I'll take them to my grave. I pray for the day I can say that I don't love him anymore, but... Lord knows I'm a terrible liar.

I can act, sure, but lying to someone I care about? My voice and my eyes would always betray me... I could never do it as well as with people who mattered less.

I miss him. I miss making silly hirits just so he'd ruffle my hair. I miss looking at him with all the love I could muster just because he was there...

Never thought I'd turn into those losers who just couldn't get it - it's over, move on.

I rarely get to use my "forever promises", and... I used it too well on him.

Not caring about what people think, going against what most people do... hay... I can't help it. I still love that boy.

I guess people thought I foolishly believe we'd learn to compromise to stay together. I stayed because I knew I didn't have to change much of myself - I loved being with someone who was guiding me through life. Most of those lectures, I believed in them too, that's why abandoning the ship never occurred to me.

But I wanted to figure out who I was... (which should have happened in HS or college). Me trying out new things, well... I was never that drastic. Guess insecurity can be empowering too. :))
"Have to be cool and interesting so he doesn't replace me with his a pretty in-close-proximity classmate"

Lol. That was exhausting.

I remember praying every night, "Lord, please let him come back to me", most especially after a date night.

But, I wasn't whole then, nor was I accepting of the life I had. My struggle to admit my mom was no longer fulfilling the ideal role... it got to me. A family of psychiatrists? Oh, they'd sniff that out in an instant.

I was a bad daughter.

Whether or not I admitted to it, it didn't matter. I knew I wouldn't let it break me the same way.
The sad part was, the fear of his family, of me letting those challenges change me for the worst? I started to believe it. And I denied it to his face.

I was such a wreck. How was I supposed to love and care for him when I so scared and confused?

Lol...

My mom may have coped with a devastating event in a not so productive way, but she still tries to give us a good life.

Me? I should have acknowledged that instead of feeling embarrassed.

Looking back, I didn't deserve the love I got back then. I may have loved him, but I focused on the wrong things.

When you love, you love without shame. You love not for pride, but to humbly accept that all you can do is care for someone to the best of your ability and hope he feels every ounce of it.

I guess that's my greatest sadness - he stopped feeling how much he meant to me, because I forgot to make him feel safe and loved.

Hay... I still miss him very, very, very much though. :'3

Name

Thought of the perfect name for my future son someday....

While studying anatomy, if I get a son as my first child, I will name him Atlas.

~

There are dips and bouts of doubt, and they warned us that they'd come often.

But, I guess I'm more prepared for this than I think I am.

Not so long ago, I was filled with pride.

And I was too proud to know it.

I refused to listen, I didn't couldn't handle constructive criticism, and I barely listened to the people who mattered to me.

I guess I had to get hit hard by an important life event to wake up from that false reality. :))

I now know that I don't need to stress out about what people think about me. And I can walk down the halls with a bright smile on my face, because I have no one to please but myself.

I finally have become more receptive and sensitive to my family and loved ones, because there really is only so much love I can give. Wasting it on so many other people and expecting after has made me a spiteful person.

Everyday, I try to work on being more sensitive, and knowing when to take things with a grain of salt.

If I could fight like hell for the person I loved, then I can fight like hell for that dream I've had for 26 years. Our professor was right, we aren't doing all of this for ourselves. We want that license so we can actually help people and make a difference.

So on days like this that I feel exhausted and saturated, I have to remember that God made sure I was ready for this.

Dump

Can't afford to daydream, most especially if it's about stuff in the past.

But the rain, and the emotions were a little too strong, so I guess I have to type it off instead of wasting my time trying to read on para.

I was wondering why I found Schistosoma a little too familiar, and I remembered his text way back that he liked that parasite.

Hay... I wish I could say I don't miss him at all, but if you look me in the eye, you'd know I still cared about him the same way.

Maybe that's why He let me be single while I'm on this journey... because I really did think of him way too much.

I never found him attractive until I fell in love with him, and after that, just looking at him released so much Ca in my blood, I'd be tachy every single time.

I liked worrying about him.

Even all those times I stayed up in spite of the exam the next day, I still don't regret that, because before things went crazy, those talks helped us grow together

His mom was right, though. Family will drive us apart.

It was my defensiveness that stopped us from growing together.

I knew in my heart that my family was far from perfect, but I tried every day of my life to make sure we got better.

I knew my mom disappeared after she couldn't get over my dad's mistake.

From that day, I guess I slowly took the role of being the other parent.

The "shortcomings" I felt, I made sure to compensate for for both my siblings

I enforced the need to go out as a family, I'd be the one yammering on and on so we'd be ready on time, I'd be the one nagging both my parents to show my siblings the support they deserve to feel.

My parents, they are far from the typical.

My dad is the perfect definition of a democratic parent, but he has an indirect way of showing his love. My mom will smother you like crazy, even if it's inappropriate, but only when she's in the mood.

I always believed in the need for consistency in a relationship, and for as long as I can remember, I've been trying my best to provide just that.

But, I guess him coming from a family of psychiatrists was also part of His plan. It shook me. I knew they'd notice in an instant that my mom let her depression get the best of her.

That they'd point out that there were things my parents weren't doing based on the norm, it bothered me. Because I knew that, but I've been trying to make up for it for so long, I forgot.

I've been the back-stage parent, and it only became clearer after I met his family.

The way his mom handled is family is what I envisioned for my own.

I've been trying to keep us as cohesive and nurturing as possible, but the internal resistance and lack of a crucial piece was a huge setback. My mom. I love her, but that she refuses to accept that she can rise from her brokenness is heart breaking.

If I could heal her myself, I would, but there's only so much I can do.

I guess that's why it took me a while to feel and prioritize myself.

My family was a lot of work, and I just refused to give up on them, even if it was eating away at me.

So for every comment I heard from him about my family - our disorganized finances, strong preference for spontaneity, our impractical number of pets, our tendency to hoard...

A part of me knows that it all stems from the odd relationship of my mom and dad.

My mom hasn't healed, my dad overcompensates, and the three of us have gotten closer because of it.

I guess I knew I wasn't ready to show my family to his, because I wanted them to be "presentable" first.

But in spite of all that, my family helped make me stronger and independent.
We are far from perfect, but why should be ashamed of them, when they still stuck with me, and our family even if we are highly dysfunctional?

My family isn't the ideal, nor do they fit the norm, but... there's heart and passion.

Of the many hurdles He has sent our way, we still remain strong because we always choose to fight for a better tomorrow.

Maybe we weren't perfect then, and even if we aren't perfect now, I can finally say it out loud and walk with real pride.

Skeletons our of the closet or not, I belong to a family that loves each other and works hard to stay together, so what else do I need to show for?

I guess I suddenly remembered because I missed him, and I feel like an idiot for letting that also get in the way. That I was offended he'd think our family would turn out the same, it came from somewhere deep. That was a real fear of mine, but I stuck with him, because I believed we wouldn't let that happen. I thought our team work then was enough for us to achieve what both our families hadn't.

I fell in love with him then and everyday after that because I felt like he had what it takes to build a great family. I didn't want it to be perfect, but I wanted to be with someone who'd make me feel like we were a team, and that I wasn't the only one actively trying to hold our family together.

That's what I'd feel and see each time I'd tell him I loved him.

Now, my I love you contains more sorry's and thank you's.

There's no other way to put it... he was home.

Even after everything, I could feel that he was home.

So as I recall all the post-duty dates, I feel extra crushed. I was a jerk because I was afraid he'd leave. I was forcing him to stay with adventure and "memorable events"... but he was feeling in adequate and exhausted every time I'd get annoyed at him being tired. I really thought I was no longer enough to give him happiness and energy....

Well, duh! Ikaw kaya manggaling sa duty sa public. Lol.

It was physical exhaustion that I mistook for emotional... so it eventually turned emotional as well.

Exciting stories weren't my thing until he came along. I wanted to experience life when I was with him, because deep down, I knew I met my life-partner.

Take him out of the equation, and I'm back to school/hospital-home. I tried to test if he was right for a year, I'd go with my friend and see if I was looking for something "novel". I believed in his view of me for a while until I could tell it felt like a role I didn't fit.

I just wanted to be interesting for him not to leave like the first time. Because I was being myself then, and he disappeared just like that. Guess trying to be someone else, and forcing him to stay wasn't the trick either.

When he saw how... dysfunctional my family was, well, maybe he was right to run.
Not everyone can handle us. Heehee. We're an acquired taste, I'm afraid.

We're as genuine as can be, and if people will judge us, I'm learning to stop taking offense, because that's who we are.

No more hiding.

Guess I wish he really had the heart to stay, because every piece of me felt like he had what it takes to be a part of my messy family and us building our own (more organized but just as odd).

Learning to practice humility one day at a time.

I was wrong in thinking we'd weather through anything with love and hard work. God knows I did my best, and when I realized my mistakes, I fought like hell to get a second chance, but it was never my fight to begin with.

That I didn't know then.

I don't know what God was preparing me for, but apparently it's for something bigger.

Well, God, this exam is one of the ultimate tests, so I'll go back to focusing now.

Thank You for letting me process in between.

Damn hormones

As I was doing yoga after finishing a grande-sized iced brewed coffee for the first time...noticed I was so out of it.

My mind was wandering elsewhere, my breathing was without control, and my body was shaking even at the start of the session.

Instead of asking for peace, I figured I should think of "focus without fear".

Today, I failed that.

After so, so, so long, I felt the heaviness of regret. My fault in the relationship just resurfaced like it was propelled back up by some rocket.

I remembered so much of our "from" dates, and I cried. Had I known they really don't let you sleep when you're on duty, maybe I would have been a good girlfriend.

All those dates... we could have just stayed at home, napped a bit, ate together, and talked.

I swear, my idea of "duty" was so different from reality. I thought it was him enjoying exciting days with new people everyday, forgetting about me because I do nothing but sit in class all day.

Had I understood that the "rest" you yearn for after a long day from duty is just composed of sleep, food, a good shower, and seeing the people you love. That was it, and maybe if I knew then, I'd actually volunteer to meet him at his house, with snacks in hand, or a newly downloaded movie, not feeling threatened by his family.

It was a form of love that was so easy to give, and so natural to me... yet I expected him to prefer "fun non-med memories". I competed with his family for time with him, because I was so worried a few hours with him wasn't enough to sustain him the week. "Please don't forget me even when you're being a super cool doctor"

Hay.... The fear of losing him to a world I couldn't even fathom was so, so, so strong, I was so focused on making our relationship the most exciting story-generating one ever.

And then we both got tired.

You exhaust a man who rode 3 trains to see you? And complain he has no energy?

Oh

My.

Lord.

How selfish.

But that's the sad part, I thought I was doing what we needed to stay together.

I was always drawing, planning, researching, just to keep the flame alive... when I was stomping on our relationship with every plan.

When I was thinking of how loser-y I was compared to his awesome groupmates I'd hear about, I felt the urge to add more things to my life, just so he'd want to hear about my day.

Looking back, all that energy and courage to attempt social events? Funny enough, it was fueled by love and desperation.

I just didn't want him to get bored of me and leave...

If I could take back that Valkyrie night, I would.
I honestly do not have a fear of missing out.
Heck, I finished high school and college skipping out on so many parties, with no regret in body.

I swear that black top still haunts me.

Because I wanted nothing more than to dance with him when I was standing alone in that dark loud place. I was thinking how I'd pretend to be landi and give in to a boring slow dance, not caring what the music was, just... swaying in his arms. That entire night, I felt like a fish out of water until I thought about us, in our own spot, just... dancing on our own. And I remembered our first awkward dance as a couple, on that lawn... Hay...

Offering rest was the best way I could show him how much I loved him then, yet it never occurred to me.

You know how getting to sit and eat a decent meal for 30 mins is like heaven?

Imagine having that with him... after a long duty.... Shooooot....

Had I known how good that feels then, maybe I wouldn't have been so scared and stressed all the time. :))

Maybe I'd see that gorgeous apologetic smile as he popped in the call room several times because code got in the way our date, and realize just how valuable that was.

Hay, I hate myself talaga for not having known then. Not knowing the med culture really cost me.

Sometimes I wish I really was the selfish immature monster he saw in me, just so I can justify and say,"Yep, he was right to cut and run!"

But I really did all of that because I wanted us to last.

I lashed out on him because I was scared, I could tell my efforts weren't working, and I didn't know what else to do to keep him interested.

But, well, maybe I really was too much of a handful to keep around. If we did stay together, my naive moments might have cost us as a unit too.

Imagine, if we were still together, he might have realized how boring I truly was, just staying at home even during our community rotation, just vacationing with family whenever we have weekends off, opting to watch old movies at home, enjoying yoga (an exercise I thought was for old people), being content with playing with my dogs when I get the chance...

Finding a friend who was adventurous, it took it's toll. She posts about our escapades here and there, when really, I'm... just tired and want to stay at home. That is not the life a super cool person... And I am not complaining.

If we ended by together, maybe by 35, he'd find some young girl who'd be better for conversation.

So, yeah, I guess it was better that way. No ugly divorce, annulment, or cheating was involved.

Shoot talaga... When I remember the sweet but tired face of his, I remember I'd panic and think, "Shit, I'm not enough to excite him anymore!", now... Shoot... I wish I could just hug him and let him lean on my shoulder while I drive for us.

Hay... he was the only man I ever was excited to cook for. For him, I would have braved the fire on the stove everyday. For me, I really planned on ordering take-out when I start living on my own.

Ang weird talaga... I wanted to cook him so much food, and hope I make a mistake every now and then so we'd laugh when he makes an odd face after tasting my cooking.

I really, really, really wish I could just listen to the world and agree that he was never good for me.

But in spite of all those years, hearing all those voices, I was always praying for the day I'd be Mrs. "insert his whole name here". Even if it was so long, I wanted to be called that for at least 3 months after we tied the knot.

How was I 100% sure I'd be ready to marry him? Whenever he'd have clumsy, corny, panicky, or even stressed moment, I'd look at him and think, "There really is no other man I'd want to be with at this moment". Kahit nun nagpakalbo siya? I laughed so hard, but thought, "Damn, I'd still love to marry this man".

Hay...
I really wish I can love another that way... but he really was the guy I didn't know I was looking for.

He wasn't perfect, but in spite of EVERYTHING, not a millisecond passed that I stopped loving him.

Martyr? I wish it was as easy as me choosing to dump everything, but... even now, I know none of it died.

Just knowing he's happy living the dream? It's enough for me to do my part and stay out of his life and pray he builds an awesome family someday.

Down to it's core... I just really want him to be happy. I used to dream of giving him that, but maybe it really was never my place.

Again, from the optimist's perspective, at least I got to feel loved by the man I loved even for a short while.

No matter what people say, I really loved that boy. Mistakes, heart breaks, broken promises and all.

What I don't love is how my hormones suddenly made me feel all sentimental.

Regret's the worst, but that's painful style of motivation.

No turning back

The choice of leaving.

No turning back.

Pride will definitely make sure of that.

When hate turns to indifference, it all becomes easier.

Your mind will choose to ignore whatever memories pop up.

Your routine will get used to not even caring.

This.

I want this.

Maybe in time.

Guess there are still certain strings to that promise.

To forgive my self and accept I made a huge mistake. I'll keep repeating the idea until it turns into reality.

Great love?

It wasn't so great.

Whatever I felt then, they were all a product of my lack of experience.

There was no patience.

There was no trust.

I've been focusing on how "right" it felt for me.
And those feelings... I believed they were real then because I didn't know any better.

I gave chances here and there, forgave like a child, and yet I tired him out.

I wore out his patience, his understanding, his trust.
Though it pains me that I hurt him along the way, that I was pushed out... with no chance to explain my self, or to redeem myself, that was more painful.

I deserved at least that.

But I keep trying to understand how much I broke him.
That frivolous party... hay... I really should burn that top. Haven't touched it since that night. (Once, I accidentally held it, and the pain was creeping out, I placed more clothes in front of it.

Not one to waste money, but... when I pass the boards, I'll burn that top.

I broke him because we weren't at the same page.
Not seeing eye to eye, well, it was partly my fault for not paying attention to his cries for help. And when I felt something was off, he was already done trying, and I was fixing the wrong thing, because I missed the calls and the signs.

I can't go on hating myself for not noticing, because it was my fault for putting him on such a high pedestal. I thought he would be strong and patient, so making room for mistakes seemed okay - trying what it felt like to socialize at a party, going on adventures that weren't my cup of tea... Because I knew I'd come back knowing I was right to be with someone who wasn't a slave for those things too. I thought our understanding was rock solid, but that was just from my side.

He thought I was rocking the boat on purpose, deliberately making things unstable, and then all our differences became red flags.

What used to be spring boards for something greater became ticking time bombs.
I lost the guy I fell in love with.

He stopped believing we could be something great.
He dismissed potential and saw it as a liability.

The hard work, the hours, he didn't see the progress we made after 2 years because of the firecrackers I through at him. The smoke was too thick, and he couldn't wait for it to clear. A nice new path was definitely more attractive.

Maybe I really am too much work.

But to whoever takes me as a challenge, know that the work you put in will be worth it. I will love and fight to no end. To my demise, I am as loyal as the definition stretches.

Maybe I look and act like a liability every now and then, but if you really are meant for me, you'll know in your heart that the family we will be building together, I won't ever put that at risk. You and the family will be a priority, because that's just how it is.

I've already served my time for my family, and I've done my best to be a responsible and reliable first born.

So, yes, I will enter our relationship with whole heart, not looking back.

~

Yeah, that he had to point out that we couldn't help my family in times of need really got to me. It was already bad that he wanted me to not help them just so we could focus on our own family, but that he thinks it would ever get to that just shows he saw my family's weak points as threats instead of opportunities to be stronger and closer.

I really should stop being around people who cut and run at the sign of weakness.

Maybe for them, relationships are made and destroyed just like that, but... those bonds mean so much more than that.

Anyway... I've wasted more time than I should.

Guess my disappointment in humanity resurfaced again.

Attempt at Lib

Studying on a budget?

Yes, sir! Will start bringing my own coffee and sandwiches. :))



How do you heighten saturation point???

Old habits die hard

Today, I attended a vinyasa class at the usual studio, this time with a different teacher.

Wasn't a fan of her style, and she wasn't as hands on as I'm used to.
But she was nice and friendly, so... I wasn't too bothered.

Don't think I'd want to attend her class again, though. :))

Tried studying at this Korean cafe, and I really liked how the place was spacious. Got the usual safe drink, plain milk tea, 25%, no pearls, and, it tasted as expected.

What I particularly liked about today was that every time I'd look out the window, the view outside was my kind of familiar. :3

At least some parts were still unchanged.

I love old things. I love the history that comes with them. The longer, the better.

Of the few things that last in this world, it's nice seeing some parts survive. If not completely unchanged, at least you know the bulk of it is the same, and that minor improvements were added to make it more lovable.

Adapting to change, both good and bad.

~

My friend keeps saying I talk too much, and that I'm too loud.

It got me thinking that maybe I should filter parts of myself before I annoy the hell out of her too. :/

Nah, not filtering to adjust to her liking.

Since I'm not so comfortable now, might as well keep certain thoughts to myself instead of always trying to keep the conversation going.

Honestly, I like long pauses. I like listening more. Just didn't want to make the same mistake and give the impression that I'm not interested or that I can't find anything to talk about.

Really love listening more.

Being told that I must be bored was slightly offensive, when she was the one who called in the first place. Well, not something I should be upset about.

Gots more micro to read. :D

Oh, yeah... 96 days to goooooo

A former resident messaged me just to say I shouldn't stress yet. Well, I read slow, so I should cram now to keep up.

Everything with a grain of salt. What may have worked for them might not work for me, best be safe.



Oh, and I think I may have ADHD, just because I jump from one idea to the next. But, I don't think I fit...

"Inattention manifests behaviorally in ADHD as wandering off task, lacking persistence, having difficulty sustaining focus, and being disorganized and is not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.

In adults, hyperactivity may manifest as extreme restlessness or wearing others out with their activity.

Impulsivity refers to hasty actions that occur in the moment without
forethought and that have high potential for harm to the individual (e.g., darting into the street without looking).

Impulsivity may reflect a desire for immediate rewards or an inability to delay gratification.

Impulsive behaviors may manifest as social intrusiveness (e.g., interrupting others excessively) and/or as making important decisions without consideration of long-term consequences"

:o

Maybe I do have ADHD after all.
If ever I do, already outgrew the desire for immediate rewards, lack of consideration of consequences, lack of organization, and tiring people out. Figured when I get excited, the joy I put on people's faces mattered too much, I prolong the excitement even if the moment has passed.

Guess me trying to cling too much to a aura of youth and playfulness was a little overboard.

Earlier, I was surrounded by good looking pastries, and... I didn't really want to eat any. Sweets aren't my thing anymore. I just like pretending to get excited for the heck of it.

I've been receiving Kitkat from Japan quite often, and they're still in the chocolate box. The snacks my sister brought home in January? They're still untouched. I ate some of the Lindt a few months back because of the expiration date.

Well, I think I'm tired of sounding so excited most of the time. When I opt for a more composed me, people think there's something wrong. -_-'

What I like about Mich is that she has seen my villain-like side, and when I don't talk too much, she doesn't mind it at all. Haha.

When she comes home from her elective, that friend and I will have a talk. Will tell her me not sounding hyper all the time isn't so out of this world.

The downside of this is that when I'm not hyper, I'm way too serious. And I plan too much, and get all anal even with the littlest things.
Me not caring? Yeah, that's not real. I get bothered easily because I'm sensitive and I rarely forget.

So extra hyper me who seems to not have focus? That's me not feeling safe. That means I don't feel like it's okay for me to trust you with how I truly feel.

As I've said a hundred times here, I'm a boring old traditionalist who takes so many things too seriously.

I just want a good career and a family. To travel? I'd love to do that with family.

I guess that's why I loved our Thai vacation this year. I felt no need to post photos and let the world know we were out of town, because all these years, a complete family vacation was what we've been needing for the longest time.

My dear future family, if I end up smothering you with love and affection, I am truly sorry. I don't know how else to love. I'll be too hands on, you will definitely get sick of me. So if you do start to get annoyed by my presence, drop little hints so I can focus on work.

Even if you don't exist yet, know that I've been so excited for you since I entered college.

I'm going to work really, really hard and make sure I'm home by 6pm. I'll take Saturdays as clinic days, but Mondays, I'll be taking you and fetching you from school. Future husband, I might end up surprising you for lunches too. :))

I grew up imagining my future family to be my whole world. My dad has been against that ever since, because he's always been practical like that.

But the softy in me? Will smother like crazy! But... I'm afraid I'll be strict too. >.<

I fear I'll be the bad cop in most situations, because I'll make sure you develop all right.

I'll make sure you kids grow up grounded - unlike me, you will learn to commute in high school (that means I have to confidently cross the street for when you guys arrive). Your allowance will be just enough, and I will make sure you learn the value of earning.

No hand outs.

For toys, you'll get to pick 1 toy per month, within the designated budget. That budget will only go higher during birthdays and when you have good grades.

Hay... can't wait to sing to you the lullaby my mom used to sing for us.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away"

:>

Just you wait... Oh, I'm terrified of raising children. The idea of you potentially ruining their lives is daunting. But this early on, my love for you guys definitely outweighs that fear.

I will love you guys even when I hate you. <3

True at times

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/06/this-is-how-i-learned-to-say-goodbye-to-our-love/

There are days where I can say I feel 100% like that.

And there are days when my heart just hurts on its own, I wonder, then I remember.

If I writing could break down the pain, maybe there would be none of it left by now.

But it really is just a means to cope, to process, to look at it from afar and think, "Yes, that's all true, but that can't cripple me".

To exactly capture the characteristic and magnitude it feels to lose someone you hold dear... words cannot seem to suffice.

Yet I try again and again, hoping making sense of what it is, why it causes this feeling... it might help me feel numb from it.

Ignore until your numb?

How about... understand until you get how it all works? Understand the parts to make sense of the whole, and have the strength to shut it off.

I guess it was one of the strongest reminders of the universe that you can't have everything you want.

2 things I wanted most then: him and an MD
And honestly, that MD was suffering, because it started to seem pale in comparison to him.

That he started to value more than my childhood dream... No, wait, that he became my dream was dangerous.

And that he disappeared just like that, well, I had it coming.

I started to dream of a family with him, and since family would always take precedence, that was wrong decision-making on my part.

I placed him in a role he didn't want, nor was he aware of.

Talk of magic, unicorns, dragons, adventuring in new places, they were all hopeful thoughts you just wanted to be able to share with someone even if it's weirdness at it's worst.

But planning a future, actually being excited about an actual child... I shouldn't have let it go that far.

That's what made it worse, wanting to have kids, imagining a life in detail...

Wish doing that with someone came easy for me.

I wish I didn't care so much and had relationships here and there, throwing around baby names like it was nothing.

But I put meaning in the things that are real and have weight.

And that meaning, that converted that idea into a possible future? It has been weighing me down. Sometimes I want to cry, but luckily I don't anymore.

There's just this part of me consoling the ache with the possibility that in some alternate reality, that family is real and happy.

Imagining in detail is the worst.

It's like a double-edged sword. It makes your dreams seem more attainable and real, then once it collapses, you're at a loss.

It feels like failing at life at times, but you have to get back up, pretend like it was nothing, and move on stronger.

So much has been going through my mind since that day, and it's like I have to continually unload those thoughts to make room for the new.

Something new.

Something better.

When will I be ready?

When does the universe think I'm ready?

Recurrence

While waiting for the family to get ready, I looked around our living room and remembered the few times we spent here. Waiting, watching, napping… I really wish I could erase it all, just because it’s taking forever for my heart to forget that can’t beat that way anymore.

But those few times I’d get to watch him rest, I treasured them too much to forget that easily. I force myself to remember how unnatural it was for him to understand how messed up my family could be, I try so hard to repeat over and over again how he actually hated so much of me without me knowing, how frustrated he’d be whenever I was lost and confused… yet every single time, I remember how our goodbyes were hard but reassuring.

The look on his face, the warmth of his hugs, the difficulty of closing that door, counting until the next time I’d welcome him back…

It’s all too difficult to forget.

I wish I could find the right meds for this… obsession? Is there a solution for my really poor coping skills?

WE NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT!
I keep reminding myself that on days that I remember.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to cover up.

It sucks when you put all your eggs in your best personalized basket, using all the materials available. Once it breaks, you’re left with no back up plan, no remedies, no way of saving anything.

Funny how it still hurts the same way.

I have to keep remembering that I made him miserable.
Me.

I MADE HIM HATE ME.

A lifetime? Of hell?

Why in the world would I have wanted that for him?

I hate how I can’t shake off how right it felt to just hold him.

I hate how he must’ve thought I wouldn’t fight for him.

I hate how even in our last moment, he didn’t feel the love I was aching to give him.

But maybe we really would have been bad parents together.

Maybe I would have driven him crazy, to the point of no return.

I must have been holding him back by forcing him to settle with me.

I was at such a vulnerable state then, when I was pounding my brains out for ideas on how to keep him interested, how to make sure he stays… all the while, he was clawing to get out.

That’s why I was getting hurt in the process.

Why couldn’t I feel that he was crying out for help? In hindsight, it looks like I did feel it. I just wasn’t listening properly. I was looking for the solutions to the wrong problems.

There’s no reason to feel any regret now, though. I couldn’t have known any better then. I was too focused on MY version of things.

Always thinking I was never going to be right.

I swear, my mind set in our last year together, it was pretty mental.

Sure, you could bypass the bouts of late-night wanderings.

But that I failed to listen when he was hurting… that I think I still hate myself for.

How my judgement was so clouded with fear and insecurity…. That I lost focus on him. Not us or our future, but just him… being there, asking me to look at him, to love him, and actually see how exhausted he was from all the stress of the hospital, the real world, me and my stubbornness…

I really was wrong to assume he was god-like.

I forgot how he was always the adorable little boy I fell in love with, as he was trying to hack out sunflowers.

I really still love that boy.

And I don’t know when I’ll be able to forgive myself for thinking too much of myself instead of him.

I guess he was lucky in that sense, that he had a second chance. What people don’t know is how second chances are more special and meaningful… not only because not everyone gets it, but mostly because it gives you that rare opportunity to give more value to what you thought you’ve lost.

I was so entitled thinking I was robbed that opportunity, but that’s the thing… It’s something not everybody gets to earn.

I had a bad track record then, so I definitely wasn’t even qualified for that. And I should have owned up to that a long time ago.

No matter what people say, I know what I had, was a rare gift.

The crowd may say I dodged a bullet, but really, I lost one of the most beautiful stories ever.

Not saying we would’ve have made it, but more of… I really wish I didn’t neglect him that way.

Some mistakes, you pay such a dear price for.

I used to think, “Someday, I’ll be strong enough to say what he told me. Someday, I’ll be able to say confidently that I don’t love him anymore”

How and when do I do that when after 2 years, my heart refuses to forget.

I’ve made sure some things of the past remained among my things just so I could be immune to them. I’d get used to their lost meaning.

But when those memories hit, and when my heart forgets to be a little stronger… hay…

Ang weak talaga ni Karla. Hahahaha

The pain may not be as frequent, but it still hurts the same even after all this time.

Stay far away. That’s the best I can do. I really should have done that a long time ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have broken him that much.

They say better late than never?

I guess that’s why I’m not the late type anymore.

When I realized it was a little too late for me to see what state he had been in… there was nothing left of the man I loved.

I killed him.

A murder brought about by negligence. This pain, this suffering, I really deserve it.

That’s what makes this life extra challenging… to be able to live a long and meaningful life with this pain.

Cruel fate?

Luck of the draw, I guess.

Looks like I’m still learning the basics of the art of letting go.

Lol.

Painfully beautiful, that was.

Hay….

Rawrr.

Real but misplaced love.

Besides, imagine forcing his family into that? They really deserved a better in law anyway.

Hay, I was so entitled. Lol.

Thinking they’d learn to accept someone as weird as me. @_@

Delusional talaga.

Besides, I was too scared they’d focus on the skeletons my family had. I was too ashamed of the financial mistakes my parents made when I was in high school. And I focused to much on that.

Maybe if I stated that I’m from a family of average income, with 2 strong parents struggling to give us a good life and finish the degrees we want…. From day 1, I wouldn’t have felt the pressure of having to keep up.

We were both lucky in our own right. What I lacked in resources, I felt in gesture and support. He had both, and well, I was afraid our disparity would get in the way.

Against all odds.

And I put more odds. Hahaha

When I find a guy who’s patient and loving enough to forgive me for all those mishaps I caused for myself, well, maybe then I’ve got it made.

All heart and very poor execution.

A very important lesson.

For boards, hindi pwede yun. Proper execution is everything. If you don’t pass that exam, nobody cares if you believe you’ll be a great doctor. Balance of mind and heart is key.

Whatever mental incapacity I had then, can’t let that EVER happen again.

Oh, that’s why it was extra painful pala… when he gave me time to think, and I actually took it seriously… only to be more aware/awake for the break up. Harsh. But maybe it was part of my fate.

I don’t know what fate wants me to do with this pain, but I hope I channel it to make greater things for people.

I pray I have children, and I pray can guide them well to avoid the same fate. Not to be too overporotective, but not too relaxed either.

I really, really think too much.

And I still feel way too much.

Maybe it was meant to help frame how I think. All that pain can’t be there for me to simply suffer.

You make a mistake, own up to it, learn from it, and make sure you build a better world with it.

Sige, I’ll see it that way…

All the pain, it will be a very strong indestructible tool that I will use in my future practice as a doctor.

Note to self:
Don’t be so self-centered. Even if it’s the ugly parts that make you insecure, don’t focus on that too much. Remember to check on how the people you care about are thinking and feeling.

Don’t be late. Ever. What you lose, you’ll never get back.

Don’t be afraid to grow a new heart. Maybe you’ll find someone who’s worth loving, but this time, you’ll know how to love with awareness and understanding.

Still think the best of people, but don’t be too unrealistic. As amazing as they may be, don’t forget that like all humans, they get tired too. And sometimes, they just need you to give them time to recuperate. (Just because you’re in love with them and you think they’re some superhero, doesn’t mean they live like one, okay?)

Learn to forgive. The mistakes you made in the past, they’re something to learn from. Even if you can’t fix broken things with what you’ve learned, you can make bigger and better things with it.

Be honest. If you love someone, show it. Don’t be afraid to show it everyday. If you end up loving someone more, well, as long as you make them feel it before they go away, what’s there to regret? No, I won’t let another Allen happen. If he means more than the world to you, so be it. You love yourself enough to let that overflow into someone else now. What you’ve been through, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.


Stronger. Wiser. Humbler. And ready to learn how to live better.

Life and Meaning

I always disliked Ted Mosby's character because in my eyes, he was a sucker who didn't know any better.

Well, looks like I'm a Ted Mosby. :))

"That’s life, you know, we never end up where you thought you wanted to be."

— Marshall Eriksen, How I Met Your Mother

.
"Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks but actually kinda likes them?"

— Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

The luck of the universe... when you find someone who likes you for everything that you are, and is excited for who you may become. There are days when I try to train myself to stop being romantic, but loving that way is rare and beautiful. It's difficult.

It isn't the telenovela type I'm after, but the real for forever type.

Because I believe in this too:

"If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then."
— Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

For me, there's no other way to love. To love with half your heart is unfair to that person, so might as well give it your all, and have no regrets. Because if anyone deserves your shiniest and best parts down to your broken pieces, it's the person you love more than life itself.

Time to embrace the real me. Will it hurt if you do that? Only if you forget how much you love that person and focus on receiving that love as well. Real genuine, heart-aching love is just giving it your all and not even feeling the exhaustion because there's nothing else you'd rather do, no one else you'd rather love.

#sucker #acceptance

Even if I believe all of that, I've learned my lesson. Just because you love someone that great doesn't mean he'll be good for you. Especially if it's one sided. I remember entering a relationship twice feeling this way. On both times, I took a chance even if he had a bad track record. In the end, maybe I should have felt it then, he was looking for someone else.

Though that's my way of loving someone, if it frustrates the other and ends up creating hate and doubt, taking yourself out of the picture is also an act of that love. Because really, all you want is for that person to be happy. And what's nice about it is that you can still give him that kind of happiness, as indirect as that may be.

To not stand in the way of a happy ending, it takes a lot of heart.

And if your feelings are as true as you say they are, then stepping back will only be hard at first.

Most days I wish I could just find someone and slowly forget how I gave my heart away, but I think the wait's worth it.

To have someone look at me and love me, even when I'm as anxious as a clerk inserting on her first day, now that's something.

I re-learned the Dev Peds way of thinking a week ago - for every behavior, there is an antecedent. I remember how automatic that used to be with my ex - if he's shouting at me, I need to know why he's upset. And one day, I stopped asking.

That's the thing, my relative indecisiveness then, it was all out of insecurity and fear that I was getting boring. All my worrying that our relationship would be taken as monotonous when we had a forever to come.

Looking back on these 2 years, the indecisiveness has gradually taken a back seat. You can tell when I don't want to do things, and I straight up say if something's inconvenient, or if something's unsafe (NEVER RIDING A PUBLIC BUS AGAIN). But, see, that experience taught me that. It definitely wasn't worth our relationship, but if he couldn't take me making my mistakes, then that forever would have been miserable for him.

It's so funny because of his mistakes, I always sat back and waited as he grew out of them. Never noticed how natural it was for me to believe he'd learn and be better. I just believed he'd always pull through. Failed exams, disappointment from his peers, his down-hearted and frustrated rants... I just knew they'd all pass. In spite of everything, I truly believed he'd come out awesome.

And I was never disappointed.

But that he couldn't see me in the same light should have been a warning sign from day one. That I'd be an unstable partner and keep yielding to novelty... Hay... If only that were true. At least that ending would have been more acceptable.

But not everyone is that patient. And expecting him to wait was selfish. The delay from that supposed reckless high school phase may have been too much for him to handle.

That most of the people stayed with me in spite of that, well... guess that means he wasn't really cut out to seeing me everyday for forever.

Maybe I really was just this shallow weak creature in his eyes.
Maybe deep down, he kept thinking I didn't know any better.
Maybe that's why he was constantly worried I'd ruin our lives if I didn't grow out of being a "door mat" and "spineless".

Swear, nothing's that painful until it comes from the lips of the person you love. Only his opinion really matters, and for him to say that, it really was a life changing experience.

Actual pain, without the physical bit, that takes a while to heal.

But do I regret loving him that way? Most days, I call myself an idiot in the mornings, but really... It was a choice I made long ago, because a part of me believed in the goodness of his heart and the beauty of his mind. For a few years, I thought we had this magical understanding no one else had.

One day, it all just fell apart.

I guess the secret to staying together is that even if one person feels like throwing in the towel, you don't give up, and eventually, they remember why you were together in the first place.

So, I guess, when I decide to fall in love that way again, I can't forget that we will make mistakes, that we will be hating each other, and that so many things may go wrong... but our reasons for choosing each other in the first place still remain.

Maybe making a list of why I picked him isn't a bad practice after all. For "The One", that list will get me through even your, no, our weakest points. Because I picked you for a reason, and that was no mistake. Know that I will always stand by my choice to love you, even when it hurts and breaks me apart, because you were a stranger who shined amidst the rest. And I don't want you to go back to being a stranger.

#waiting #growinginbetween

https://quotecatalog.com/u/heidipriebe/2016/10/quotes-from-how-i-met-your-mother-that-will-remind-you-why-love-is-worth-the-wait